The Role of Men in Relationships: A Lost Art

Over the years men have lost their concept of what it means to be a man in a relationship, whether we are talking about those with a partner, or those with a family. What used to be common sense, has been lost. The art of being a man must be brought back into play if we are expecting families to flourish in the future, or face demise as they seem to be doing right now.

In my relationship coaching sessions, as well as the men's groups I have led, I have seen first hand how men have lost their way in regards to what it means to be a leader in love, and a leader in the family structure. The causes of this are truly irrelevant to me. I'm not here to point fingers as to why this has occurred, or who to blame. In my opinion that gets everyone nowhere.

Men were born to lead, to make decisions, to be the foundation of family. They were meant to lead by example. The role of a man in a relationship is to speak less, lead more, and allow his partner to feel safe as well as free. Free to have an outlet for her fears. Free to express her feelings without the need for the man to fix them. You see, a leader does not have to have all the answers for his company, troop or family. His main role is to listen, support, ask questions, and then if and when needed, delegate duties or chores that suit the strengths of his partner and/or children. Then, pick up the rest of the responsibilities himself.

Somewhere along the lines, men were taught to not express their feelings, when expression in the family unit is a sign of strength. As I have counseled couples for the past 20 years, I have yet to have a woman tell me that her husband was too emotional. I often have heard women say that their man rarely shares any of his feelings, any of his fears. In these cases, each woman has said she felt left out of that part of his life. Real men not only eat quiche, but they also open themselves up to their partner in a way that makes the woman feel special, a part of his inner circle , which is what she should be.

Men need to lead by example, in all areas of life. Alcohol, so accepted by society as a way men connect with other men, and oftentimes women as well, has lead millions of men astray. Men need to be role models. The use of alcohol, drugs, food or smoking as coping mechanisms, or the chase for the almighty dollar shows how weak many men are.

They need to be able to listen, direct questions, and allow their kids to have a say in how to figure life out by themselves in many cases, after they've reached the age of 12 and above. For some, even sooner.

Men need to be able to lead by faith. Faith, a strong belief in the "yet unseen", is a powerful gift to offer their partners and children. Men who lead by faith have an aura about them that allows their families and partners to trust them. Regardless of the struggles one might face, men of faith know that there is always a way out, over or around life's challenges.

I have seen over the last several years a true desire by both men and women to see the resurrection of men in relationships. To see them become the leaders they were meant to be.

Slow down, and become the man you are destined to be in love, in life. Once you begin the process of taking responsibility for your actions, for your life, this world will begin to shift in ways we've always hoped we'd see. Once you take that first step, the leader in you will naturally rise to the surface and life will take on a whole new look.

I see in my congregation, my workshops and my coaching sessions the beginning of a new era. Let's keep it going strong.

Love, peace, David www.davidessel.com

Silence: A Powerful Tool in all Relationships

When most of us think of people who are great communicators, we often miss one of the most important traits these people carry: the knowledge of when to be silent in relationships and just how powerful of a tool this really is.

Most men are at a disadvantage here, as we have been raised to fix, fix and then fix again anything in sight that seems to be broken. And that includes relationships. But this trait is not alone one that gets men into hot water, as many women over the years have developed the same issue: when someone comes to us with a challenge, we want to give advice and fix it right away.

In my courses that I teach at universities and colleges, this tool is an important part of the materials that we explore in regards to life mastery: the ability to sit with someone else's pain, or challenge, without having to fix it.

At our weekly men's group on success and faith, we discussed this just last night, as I shared the power behind allowing a lover, child or friend to express to us a worry, insecurity or fear without having to say a word in return. Just our presence with them is enough to help the healing process begin.

When someone comes to us in pain, or in a quandary about life, and we immediately share with them the three things they could do to "fix" their problem, we have basically shut them down emotionally. We have said, "I really am not strong enough to hear your pain, so just do this thing I'm telling you, so we can move on. " Where most of the time they are just looking for a safe place to let their true emotions out, by giving advice we are throwing their fears right back in their face.

My partner came to me once with a heavy pain surrounding her beloved horse, an animal that is as close to human with his sensitive and beautiful feelings as any horse could get. Years ago my response would have been , "But what about this, or trying that, have you asked the vet if this is a possibility too?". My intentions might have been good, but the end result would have been horrific, as she would not have had a chance to truly release at the deepest level her pain, her tears, which was a deep sign of love that she had with her companion Simon.

Instead, I opted for the path that I now teach others, to sit with this persons pain, in my case just to hold her, and stroke her hair as she goes to the beautiful depth of emotional release. As she goes deeper and deeper, her healing is more and more profound.

You and I are not here on earth to "fix" anyone, but rather to sit with their pain. During this time together, I had tears too as I felt her love for her horse, and her fears as well. It's not the easiest path, but 45 minutes later, after saying very little, I could feel her tears wane, her heart open, as she joyfully recalled amazing memories from her past with this beautiful animal.

If we want to be phenomenal communicators, we all must move to this type of interaction, where we move away from giving advice, and move into unconditional love. I advise my clients, students as well as myself daily, to never give advice unless someone directly asks you for it.

Slow down and allow the people in your life, lovers, children, family, friends, coworkers, to come to you as a safe haven, a warm home against life's storms, where they can share their emotions without the fear of being told , once again, what they should do with their pain. Silence is a powerful tool in all exceptional relationships.

Love, peace, David www.davidessel.com