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From time to time, with her permission, I will share her writings, so that anyone thinking about living without alcohol, or any other substance, can hear firsthand what it is like.
Please enjoy, then feel free to share this with as many people as you would like. love, david
www.davidessel.com
STEP 1:
I have been working to uncover the denial and the belief of what I used to tell myself all the time: "everything is ok and I can handle it". I’ve been able to admit that I am powerless over alcohol and that my life was unmanageable. I knew I was powerless over alcohol because I would quit every morning and be drinking again by nightfall.
I wanted more
I became irrational
I couldn’t help myself
My life was unmanageable:
I drove drunk
Spent too much money
Gained weight
Lost energy and work time
Life was harder
Emotions built up
All sorts of resentments built up and lived under the surface for years, covered up, escaping my conscious thought but all the while hurting me. And now I’m dealing with all that.
I find my strength in recovery by being vulnerable and honest and doing something about these emotions and by releasing them. By talking, writing and going to God. God says thank you Angela for trusting me and coming to me. I will never leave you or forsake you. I’ll always be by your side. The other day I was so ashamed and guilty for so many things. The feelings came up and were with me for about 16 hours. I had to sit down and work to identify the feelings, sit with them, surrender to them and write them down. This is what is called walking into the fire.
In the fire, what I discovered by sitting with these feelings is that my deepest pain is my unworthiness. Unworthiness is a core issue for many people and is a driver for unhealthy behavior, thoughts and feelings. It is tied to low self esteem (check), wanting to be accepted (check) and trying hard to fit in (yep, that was me too). It’s also tied to a lack of spirituality and being disconnected from a Higher Power. I sat with this, talked about it, cried, reached out and prayed. And I inched a little closer toward worthiness through gratitude, self care, connection to others and God, forgiveness and prayer. I want to emphasize the importance of reaching out to others. If you’re like me and want to recover alone it will never work. One of the keys to admitting we are powerless and having a chance at true recovery is reaching out for help.
Thank you God and thank you all my friends and family who surround me with love and support every day.
With an open heart,
Angela
I wanted more
I became irrational
I couldn’t help myself
My life was unmanageable:
I drove drunk
Spent too much money
Gained weight
Lost energy and work time
Life was harder
Emotions built up
All sorts of resentments built up and lived under the surface for years, covered up, escaping my conscious thought but all the while hurting me. And now I’m dealing with all that.
I find my strength in recovery by being vulnerable and honest and doing something about these emotions and by releasing them. By talking, writing and going to God. God says thank you Angela for trusting me and coming to me. I will never leave you or forsake you. I’ll always be by your side. The other day I was so ashamed and guilty for so many things. The feelings came up and were with me for about 16 hours. I had to sit down and work to identify the feelings, sit with them, surrender to them and write them down. This is what is called walking into the fire.
In the fire, what I discovered by sitting with these feelings is that my deepest pain is my unworthiness. Unworthiness is a core issue for many people and is a driver for unhealthy behavior, thoughts and feelings. It is tied to low self esteem (check), wanting to be accepted (check) and trying hard to fit in (yep, that was me too). It’s also tied to a lack of spirituality and being disconnected from a Higher Power. I sat with this, talked about it, cried, reached out and prayed. And I inched a little closer toward worthiness through gratitude, self care, connection to others and God, forgiveness and prayer. I want to emphasize the importance of reaching out to others. If you’re like me and want to recover alone it will never work. One of the keys to admitting we are powerless and having a chance at true recovery is reaching out for help.
Thank you God and thank you all my friends and family who surround me with love and support every day.
With an open heart,
Angela
For more information on our 30 day Holistic Program on Sobriety, please see www.davidessel.com
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