Thursday, December 27, 2007

Jamie Lynn Spears……..Let’s think……….

Over the last few days I’ve heard a lot of gossip regarding the fact that this young woman is pregnant, and how terrible it is…and where was her mother in regards to bringing her up right ….how could a family let this happen….. etc etc…. Of course, there were more harmful comments made than the ones I’ve listed here.

I remember a few years ago a 14 year old girl became pregnant at a school a very good friends daughter went to. After the initial shock subsided, the young girls at this school asked the pregnant girl to come back and finish the year with them , instead of being home schooled so she would not have to deal with the stares and gossip. A true showing of love and support that emotionally moves me as I write this.

I think we could all learn alot from this example, and maybe remove ourselves from the office or neighborhood gossip, the late nite tv and radio jokes and instead act with love. A question we could all ask ourselves today would be a simple yet profound one. If this was YOUR 16 year old daughter, how would you want the world, her school and your neighbors to treat her and your family? The answer should give you insight to your life.

Slow down. Love, Peace, David

Monday, December 24, 2007

Bravo to Joel Osteen on 60 Minutes

Preacher and author Joel Osteen did an amazing job on this national tv show as he refused to be badgered by the “theologians” claiming he was committing heresey.

He was in awe of God’s choice to use him as a vehicle to inspire people to change. I love anyone like him on this planet today who truly are trying to do their part to make this world a better place, a more hopeful place ,to live.

And the great news is that all of us can do the exact same thing everyday, by leading by example ……how to deal with victory as well as challenges with faith and love. May you, may I, do the same today.

Slow down and be the shining light in your life now. Love,Peace, David.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Bringing Your Beauty to This World

I was sitting across from a client once, just knowing that she did not see the beauty , the raw power, that I was looking at. She was in a difficult place, remembering experiences that had temporarily stifled her beauty. I wanted her so much to get out of this “meek” persona that she had adopted as a big part of who she was. I wanted her to roar as the Goddess she truly was.

“Do you know who I see in you covered up by false beliefs?”…I asked. “I see Janis Joplin ready to rock!!!!” We both roared in laughter which brought her to a whole new energy level. “I see a beautiful woman ready to roar…do you see that anywhere inside of you?”

That was all I had to say. She got it. Every session now we at some point go to a place where she physically roars…where she raises her voice and lets the Goddess rock. Where she unveils her own Janis Joplin….and feels, in front of another, the power she has. As you can imagine, this is changing her life.

And the same can happen to you, but you must be willing to practice without fear or shame letting your inner voice become your outer voice. Get loud in your car. Use your inner power, through your voice, as you shout your dreams to the world. Shout and dance your way to freedom, personal freedom. And let your world become the one you’ve always wanted.

Slow down. Become the power, the beauty, you already are inside. Love,Peace, David

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Growing in life……..

“One of the first steps we need to take in order to grow in our personal lives is to be aware. Be aware of where we are. Be aware of where we want to go. The first step, the most important step of growth, is personal awareness.

Stop for a moment ,look within and evaluate the relationship you have with yourself and with others. Accept where you are in order that you can move on. Look for the lessons in each day and be open to your strengths as well as your weaknesses.

Be aware……………….and then grow.

To leap ahead, really grow in life, begins by simply being aware of your desire to change. “

(Excerpt from “Phoenix Soul: One Man’s Search for Love and Inner Peace”)…………..Love, Peace, David

Thursday, December 13, 2007

“Do you ever get down?…..”

A friend of mine recently asked this question and it made me stop and think. “Why do you want to know? ” was my initial response. “Well, since you do all kinds of motivational stuff, I was just wondering if you actually got to hard places…or have you found a way to avoid being down”… was her follow up answer.

The reality is yes, just like everyone else on this planet I have, and do , experienced tough hours, days and maybe even weeks where things are not as I would wish them to be. But I decided a long time ago that these moments or hours would only be expressed to my “core ” group of friends, coaches and or therapists if I am working with any at this time. I believe that there is no real need to let anyone else know that there are difficult experiences that I am going through….and that by opening up to just anyone is not a healthy place for us to go to.

I also, know that there is great, immense and healing power that comes from writing about all that is great…and all that is challenging…in our life at any given moment. My first book “Phoenix Soul” begins with a chapter that is filled with doubt, pain and loss….the type of stuff that can truly be healed through the power of writing.

So yes, even us motivational people and teachers find discomfort in many of life’s challenges, but many have found ways to channel this pain, the ways that I have mentioned here, that allow us to still live a full and passionate life with those we interact with…without having to bring these experiences into these meetings and or relationships. I believe there is a true personal power that emanates from our soul when we decide to live this way.

Slow down to reap the benefits of living and authentic life with those closest to you, and to the rest of the world be the shining light of hope and inspiration.

Love, Peace, David

hy do you want to know

Monday, December 10, 2007

Manifesting your desires………

So many people these days are speaking of the power of manifestation, and how , where and when to do it. Like many truths, there are many different ways to do this. And, many different paths to get you there. The key to your success ,however you attempt to do it ,will always rely on two proven principles of manifestation….patience and a persistent belief in yourself and your goal.

I think too many people have fallen victim to the belief that because they have set a goal, and followed certain principles, that they should be able to manifest what they want right now. While at times this may happen, in my 25 years of work in this field , I have seen that the truth is , that goals are manifested on the timing of universal energy vs that of man’s wishes. Be patient.

Secondly, regardless of what the length of time is as you await the manifestation of your dream…believe in yourself with a powerful and persistent attitude EVERYDAY.

Today may just be the day to slow down, take a big breath, and smile as you know that what you desire to manifest is on it’s way to you……just hang in there baby!…=)…love, peace, David

Saturday, December 8, 2007

“Love” will never be enough….

My client sat with tears streaming down his face. Unable to speak, he just stared at the floor, sobbing. This was the first time I had seen him be so raw, so vulnerable, and I knew a great healing was taking place.

“I thought she was the one, I really thought this time I had experienced a love that would last until I died…I had never felt, at least as long as I remember, such a connection. We needed no outside distractions to feel this way. All we needed was the time to spend together…to walk…to talk…to kiss…to make love……that was all. No dinner parties, trips…while those are all fun, we found that just being together, we were satisfied… I thought that this love would truly get us through anything….and yet, it ended.”

It had been several months since he had ended the relationship, and for some very healthy reasons. What he came to realize was that they were the perfect couple to date each other, to learn from each other, and then to let go of. Many of our relationships are designed to do just that. They help us to define who we are, what we want, but not all can be “the one”.

I had asked him to do a series of written exercises to help him to see the reality of this relationship, not just what he wanted to see. In these writings, some amazing truths were discovered: while they did love each other, they had very different views of the type of life they each wanted to live. She wanted to be taken care of in every way, did not want to work, and looked at this as an imperative part of her relationship. He wanted to be with someone who was passionately involved in something…a career, or volunteer work. He loved to nurture and wanted someone to take care of his needs. She had set limits early on in their relationship with this, and had no interest in fully being involved in his career , to offer the type of support that he wanted. As he wrote these things out, it was easier to see that while they had love at some very deep and wonderful levels, and while they had immense physical passion for each other…they were coming from very different worlds, with very different goals.

The most amazing thing happened next in this session. As he was viewing all that he had written, he looked up and said ” It’s really true, love alone will never be enough to sustain a long term “once in a lifetime” type of relationship. I had hoped and wished that the passion, and some of our similar interests would be enough. I see now that we also have to really like and respect our partner, and the choices they make. Maybe it’s not that she is wrong for treating me the way she has, or for making the choice to not fully support or nurture me the way I want , but rather that we are just not right for each other. I’m sure there are many men that she would connect with and accept her as she is. That’s a huge lesson for me here…To look for a partner I love right now, as she is at this moment, not when she becomes who I would want her to be.”

It was literally beautiful to see his transformation right in front of me. His sadness now was genuine, that he had loved her, and that he missed that love. But as importantly, he saw how important it was to let her go, and to allow her just to be who she is right now, without judgement that it is wrong.

In reality, whatever we desire in a relationship is right for us at this very moment. And , that love will not be enough. That’s the stuff of fairy tales. We must really LIKE this person. We must really RESPECT this person. He found that for his dreams, he could not totally like someone who just wanted to be taken care of in life. And, with this as a fact, this partner could never be right for him. So, without judgement, he finally came to the place of letting her go, and allowing her to find the perfect person for her.

As he left, he commented that he will never forget the love he felt….the joy he shared….the vulnerable places he went with her…the beautiful moments making love and holding her ….those were treasures to remember. But fully respecting her wishes, which were so different from the type of life he wanted with a partner, was an area he never thought he’d experience. Now, he could see both sides and be open to a new love that would be right for him.

Slow down as we approach love, and look to create a deep friendship as well, filled with fun, laughter ,respect and more. You can create the divine union you’ve always wanted, if you want to. Love, Peace, David

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Creating Pure Intimacy..Step One

As the couple sat in front of me asking for the answers to deepen their own levels of intimacy, the only thought that kept running through my mind was “I wonder how much each of these two people really love and accept themselves, as they are right now?” Eventually, as in all sessions, this question presented itself. And their answer was not a shock. “What has this got to do with going deeper with each other?”

The first step to creating a deeper level of true intamcy is the very act of being able to look in a mirror and LOVE what you see. A very difficult action for most of us. But you see, without this, we cannot expect our current or a future partner to love us completely, or be enthralled at the deepest level with who we are. They will simply reflect back to us exactly how we feel about ourselves, even if this is done unconsciously.

Become more intimate with yourself starting today…in all ways possible. Appreciate what you have in life, who you are right now in order to bring more love to you. This is such an old truth, but one we want to skip over. It’s easier to think about plastic surgery, losing weight, or finding a new tool to use to enhance our love, or to find that perfect partner, rather than going to the source and learning to love and accept ourselves more deeply. But as we do, love and intimacy abounds with those currently in our lives, or those who are about to enter it.

Slow down.Take 2 minutes today and simply stare into a mirror, repeat silently to yourself “I love and accept you completely just as your are right now”. Even if it feels uncomfortable, repeat this daily. And watch your world change. Peace, Love, David

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Raising our energy levels…the real ones…

When people think about raising their energy levels, the first thing we often think of is the energy to do more things. That kind of energy. But there is an even more important energy level that we can all be raising on a daily basis that will bring more peace,love, joy and prosperity into our lives.

The energy level I’m talking about can be referred to as our consciousness….or our daily awareness….that can lead to making changes in our life almost instantly. While it’s a conscious choice to raise this type of energy that we carry, it can be done quite easily, almost effortlessly at times. Reading or listening to inspirational or motivational books and cds……..thinking affirmative thoughts throughout the day…going to a church service, or a 12 step meeting, all can instantly raise this type of energy, which will lead us to taking more positive action in our lives on a daily basis. Let me give you an example.

Yesterday I was reading a very powerful personal growth book that was describing the way people who are on a strong, conscious spiritual path choose to live. I was enjoying the energy I was getting from reading this, agreeing with what the author was writing and doing a self check to make sure I was making good choices in regards to my daily thoughts, which as I wrote here recently create the type of joy we either are, or are not, getting out of life. Our thoughts truly do create Heaven…or Hell…on earth for each of us.

When the author wrote about forgiveness, and letting go of past tangled or stressful relationships, I stopped for a minute and did a gut check. AS I did this, I realized that I was still holding onto a type of hurt and resentment from a past relationship that did not end the way I had hoped it would. Just the previous week I had picked up on some very negative energy coming from this person, and the very next day it was confirmed by a mutual friend that indeed “not so nice comments” were being made about me. At this very moment, I realized that I had one choice to follow in order to enhance my energy vibrational energy….my consciousness…and that was to do what my ego had resisted earlier…reach out to this very person in friendship.

You see when we do this, regardless of what the other person does, we rise above the “situation” and act from love, which is by far the strongest energy force known to man. As I sent the email requesting friendship vs animosity, my vibrational energy, my feelings about myself and EVEN this other person rose to a new level. And remember, this is critical, we must do this action WITHOUT a desire that they respond in kind…or even respond at all. We are doing this for ourselves, to heal ourselves, to drop the ego and act out of love. The facts surrounding who was right…or who was wrong… are meaningless here. And remember, as we heal ourselves, we are taking one step forward to helping to heal the world.

Slow down. Make the conscious decision today to raise your own inner energy level by letting go of past hurts, and start healing yourself by reading powerful and beautiful writings. Love, Peace, David

Friday, November 30, 2007

The Most Important Thought For The Day

The most powerful, or at the very least, ONE of the most powerful quotes I have ever read is one of the simplest….yet profound.


It is said that this quote originated from Buddha, but I cannot verify that as true or not. All I know is that by making this our Daily mantra, we can literally change our world and begin to live in more joy, peace and success everyday.

Begin today to pay attention to each thought…Hold onto to the ones that are life affirming, and release the ones that are filled with doubt, resentment, anger or insecurity.

If we do this today and everyday, magic can occur. Slow Down.

Love,Peace, David

Thursday, November 29, 2007

An 8 year old finds a unique path to sleep………

I could not wait to share this story about how one little 8 year old boy finally found a way to fall asleep at nite. One of my coaching clients was looking for a way to de-stress from his high pressured career. I had recommended meditation, and offered him one of my cds, No More Stress(soon to be retitled Shift your Energy through Meditation) to work with over the next few weeks.

One day after picking his son up from an after school activity, the young boy pressed the cd button in the car and my meditation cd came on…with my voice gently taking one deep into a meditative state. The boy proclaimed to his father how weird that cd sounded, as he was expecting some type of music, and asked him to get that crazy sound out of the car. His father just laughed, turned the cd off and nothing else was said.

Several weeks passed, and one day my client was looking for the cd and it was nowhere to be found. He asked his wife, who had not seen it either, and was perplexed as to where it had gone. When he went into the kitchen to locate the portable cd sound system to take to his room, he found that missing too. As he walked by his young sons room, he see’s the cd system and asks why it’s in the room and not in the kithcen where it normally is.

His son then explains that he’s been using the meditative cd every nite as it relaxes him and it’s the only way he can fall asleep!!…Amazing!!…An 8 year old boy gravitated intuitively to what many adults know but do not act upon…the power of meditation as a tool to relax and fall asleep with.

I laughed, smiled and generally felt so happy for this young man……he overcame his intial reaction to something he was unfamiliar with…and now uses something “weird”, as a program for his own health and healing. We adults could learn something profound by his actions…=)…Love,Peace, David

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Amazing Success Story -Part 2-The Plan

I’ve been asked by hundreds of people after seeing my client Tracy’s success, so how did she do it? What was the plan? So I thought I’d do a very brief outline of what entails my work in the category of an Extreme Mind and Body Makeover…

My clients committ to this 5 day per week “lifestyle bootcamp” for a minimum of 8 weeks. The purpose is to re create their lives…to help them remember the beauty, power and gifts they have been given. For those clients who live by me , we meet for an hour a day in person 5 days per week. For my clients who live in another city , all of our sessions are done via phone. (For these clients, we select a personal trainer by them, who guides them in my weight training program 20 minutes a day in a gym , 5 days per week.)

Every day we work on the blocks that are holding these clients back. These coaching sessions are usually between 30 and 45 minutes in length, 5 days a week, with very brief writing sessions that are done as a follow up to each meeting. Depending on the client, the sessions will look at his/her goals in every area of their lives, and the beliefs they have created that are holding them back. In Tracy and every other client I have taken through this process, the findings and the results are simply unbelievable. These brief writing sessions uncover amazing nuggets of truth that we use to set a proactive plan in writing with to help them to finally achieve their goals. With actual steps to follow that really do work. From relationships to weight loss to making more money to finding a new career to deepening one’s spiritual path…we truly do cover it all.

The weight training consists of using the “super slow method of training”, which to me by far is the most effective way anyone can train for the most amazing results. I was first introduced to this in 1986 by Dr. Wayne Westcott, and then again in 2000 by Joe Cirulli. After seeing remarkable results with my own body, I started using it with clients and found that EVERYONE of them had amazing results too. And, it’s only 20 min /day, 5 days per week.

I also ask that these clients, on their own time begin with 30 minutes of aerobic exercise , and build it slowly up to 45-60 minutes 5 days per week.

I know the success of this program is based on it’s balanced approach to all areas of our lives, and the desire for my clients to radically change their lives for the better. And do you know what?…You can do it too!!…=)…Love, Peace, David

ct a personal trainer in their area to work with them 5 days per week, 20 min per day is all that is needed. )

Monday, November 26, 2007

An Amazing Success Story…..

Oh my heavens…If you have not seen the photo’s and read the blog of my client Tracy, and experienced vicariously at least her amazing transformation, please do so today. Scroll down our home page and see what I mean.

From the physical perspective, she is a different person. Tracy, in just 8 short weeks lost 26 pounds and dropped 7% body fat. As her husband, mother and kids have all commented, she does’nt even look like the “old Tracy”. They all have commented on how great it is to have the REAL Tracy back.

But this transformation is so much more than physical, and I should know as I worked with her for 5 days per week for 8 straight weeks, one hour per day. Tracy simply blossomed. She worked incredibly hard ,not just with the exercise portion, but with all of the personal growth work we did too. You see, unlike so many weight loss programs , we delved everyday into her belief systems, the ones she had about herself, her husband, and yes even her children.

As Tracy did the writing exercises I gave her, and came in each day truly willing to work on her challenges, the beliefs she had created that were holding her back, a new world began to open to her. Her marriage “magically” improved. Her dialogue with her children changed, offering at first challenges, then later rewards. She found a new faith in her spiritual path and went after it full blast. She began to open up to everyone in the gym, Fitness on The Move, meeting new people everyday which led to an increase in her self confidence. She became such an influence there, that she even asked for , and received , the oppurtunity to become a staff member!!!

And the coolest thing about this story is that ANYONE who truly desires to change their life can. All it really takes is desire…desire to do the work…the desire to look inside, and to celebrate our strengths while at the same time admitting to our challenges.

Slow down today and make the decision to go after the life, the body, the relationship that you truly want. AT least in spirit, I’ll be cheering you on!!……….=)……..Love, Peace, David

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Searching in Life

“The personal highs and lows of anyone’s life can be a powerful tool when used with the insight to learn. Learning from each success or failure. If we fail to realize the pitfalls of the path we’re on and do not use them to help ourselves, we are condemned to keep repeating the same tragic mistakes. If we struggle to learn and appreciate the poor with the rich, the good with the “bad” and the sorrow with the joy, we will end our journey with a fuller life enriched not only with personal satisfaction and love, but also with the love of others. And, there is no greater measure of a persons life.

Throughout the last several years this underlying theme has been wrapped around my life, sometimes indistinct and hazy, sometimes startling clear. I began to understand that the clearer episodes in my life would actually help me unravel the mystery of the more darker experiences and resolve personal conflict. Until I realized this I found myself searching.

I was searching for answers that would help me cope with my sadness. Something that would help me understand why tragedy would become a frequent , unwelcomed guest. Something that would explain why life had’nt gone my way. Fortunately for me I would later realize profoundly that life HAD always gone my way, even if I did’nt see it.

Searching is a collection of writings that reflect this realization of the shadowy side of my life. To some this chapter may seem “dark” and maybe it is. But in reality this chapter offers a grappling of feelings from the comings and goings of the people in my life, the happiness they brought with them and shared, and the incredible damage that was done when the happiness and joy suddenly dissolved into despair and lonliness.

If I fell and broke my heart, I would get up cursing and clean myself off , only to slip and fall again. This struggle was also a sign of my internal conflicts that surfaced as I tried to find my own path to success. A path, that even though you know your purpose for being , can be filled with confusion.

Realize, as I did, the power in your creativity when you submerge yourself in this side of your feelings.

Be curious.

Explore with me as we search for answers.

This I know for a fact, we uncover real beauty when we explore our pain.

The same beauty as every dawn that follows night.




Reprinted from the book “Phoenix Soul: One Man’s Search for Love and Inner Peace”..c1998, David Essel

(It is always amazing when we reflect back to our experiences in life, how the journey continues in our search for love and inner peace regardless how old we are. I wrote this 10 years ago, and can still relate to the words in my life today. I find this to be comforting in the realization that we may never get “there”….meaning perfection….yet we can see tremendous growth if we are doing our part to evolve and grow…The search never ends, but hopefully the joy becomes brighter…Slow down, and try to appreciate even more today the growth you’ve made over the past 10 years in your life. Celebrate you…=)..Love and Peace, David

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Giving Thanks in Unexpected Places

Ahhhhhh….Thanksgiving day…A day of reflection…or not. It does surprise me that there truly are so many people whose reflection on this day, on their life, goes only as deep as a quick blessing at the dinner table. And for some, maybe not even that. Sad, yet true.

And then there are people, possibly like us. Who over do or thanks-giving by wanting to talk about it all….day….long….=)…Believe it or not we might even become a little boring to those around us!!!…

In the possibility though of becoming boring, I move forward today in thanks. GREAT thanks. AMAZING gratitude for all that I am, have, and expereince daily.

Last Sunday I was invited to give the sermon again at the First Church of Religious Science in Cape Coral, Florida. I spoke about the Three Dimensions of gratitude…..of giving thanks, consciously and yes even in writing, for three distinctively different areas of our lives. First, for those people we absolutely love …Second, for the beautiful gifts we have personally been given…and last for the people we really do not like, or enjoy, from the past or who even may somehow still may be in our presence today in a small or big way.

Let’s begin by thanking those people in category 3…the former spouses we still do not like..the former boyfriends or girlfriends or friends who, when we think of them, get a little “sting” in our gut that could relate to anger, jealousy…or even the desire for revenge!!!….. Ahhhhh yes, THOSE type of people. Most of us , if we are honest, have one or two or even 10 people from our past or present that we do not care for, at least until now. Why? Because I believe they could be our greatest teachers in this moment if we do one simple thing…look for the gift they gave us at the time we were connected. By having gratitude for this gift, which means dropping our ego and looking for the truth in this relationship, we can free ourselves from the bondage of the past or even the present…and move forward with more energy, light and love. There is a beautiful saying…”Holding a resentment or grudge against someone else is like drinking a poison and hoping it will hurt them.”…smile, I’m laughing right now.

Now, that does’nt mean you have to forgive and accept someone back into your life who has hurt you immensely, but by looking for the gift they gave, and being thankful on this day for that gift, we move to a whole new level of existence.

I remember being hurt numerous times very deeply by someone I loved and at one point not really thinking I could release that pain. Have you ever experienced this? As I did the exercise I’m asking you to do today though, I was able to see what an amazing gift she brought into my life!!! One nite when we were together talking, she opened up and shared an amazing story of her struggle with alcohol , and with tears streaming down her face recalled the day she entered a treatment facility for this disease.

I was so moved that she shared this, because even though we had been dating for several months, I had never seen her cry,or go to this depth of emotion, and never imagined she had ever had a problem with alcohol. It was such an incredible evening that 2 days later I called and checked myself in to a 30 day treatment center for alcohol addiction, a move that may had never happened had I not met this angel on earth. So even after the pain that was caused during and after our breakup, I will ALWAYS,ALWAYS,ALWAYS be filled with gratitude, immense gratitude, for this person. In all likelihood, she easily could have been the gift that saved my life.

And now, how about you?? Take a moment and reflect today, or anyday, on thanking someone you may be struggling with, or struggled with in the past, for the gift that they brought into your life. Do this in writing right now. Everyone, regardless of how much drama and chaos they bring or have brought to you before….offers us a gift of growth. The deepest of thanks, the most immense form of gratitude, can only be found by looking for the “gem in these thorns”. I truly hope you’ll take a moment today and do this exercise, to free yourself, and them, from the ravages of our ego.

Be free, be joyous today on Thanksgiving, and celebrate the unexpected gifts that come from the unlikeliest of places. Love, David

The Missing Secret, in “The Secret”

I absolutely love the motivational dvd The Secret. As a matter of fact, since it’s first release I have recommended that my business and life coaching clients, friends and family members all make it a priority to purchase this dvd and watch it at least 2-3 times in the first 3 weeks after purchase. The reason is really quite simple. I totally believe in and have lived for the past 30 years the principle of “the Law of Attraction”. That we become what we think most about daily. However….I do have a concern that was raised AGAIN in a session with a client this week.

She was frustrated that after creating a list of all that she desired in life, in detail, and had visualized daily her “dreams becoming her reality”….and had filled her mind with motivational books and cds……that after all of this nothing had changed over the last 8 months. As a matter of fact, she felt that she was becoming depressed over her lack of progress. She asked me how, after following the steps outlined in The Secret, her life could still be the same. For the one hundreth time, I had to go into the same speech about a dvd I absolutely loved. (Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, but he’s not bringing you everything you want, on your time frame….=)……………)

“There’s a missing Secret in “The Secret”, I explained, “that was left out but needs to be discussed. While you may believe that you have followed the formula they created, the missing link is that you have not created , nor implemented any daily action steps to create the life you want. In other words, the key concept that seperates someone who wants to lose weight and someone who actually does, is that the former creates a written plan and follows it daily, while the latter dreams of doing so but has’nt quite followed through with the action needed to help accomplish the end result they desire.

While there are many steps that one needs to follow to accomplish any goal, when it comes right down to it, the most important one is ACTION. If you want to meet the man or woman of your dreams, visualize them in your life…create a list of their qualities…..and then get out there and meet people!!!…Join a dating service….tell your friends your ready to create a beautiful relationship…join a class at your church…volunteer every saturday at a charity of your choice…

This is the key to success, and the missing link that is keeping so many people from accomplishing their most important goals in life. Get off of the sidelines in life and into the game through a written action plan. I know the Secret to success will then no longer be the one thing that others know but you do not…… It’s time to create the life you want, and I truly want you to live, have and enjoy all that you desire. It’s time to “ROCK ON”…Let’s do it with action today….David

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Addicted to Love???

I never imagined I’d be writing about this topic…and especially writing about it from a personal experience. Yes, since 1992 I have coached, counseled, and assisted hundreds of people through the rigors and joys of relationships, even at times going so far as to suggest that what they were experiencing had the feel of an “addiction ”, but never looking in the mirror and realizing that I was drawing these people into my world because I had the same tendencies and sometimes the same end results as they did. Love, or the fantasy of love, can be as addictive as heroin….alcohol….nicotine…or any of the other habits and substances that we can fall victim to on a daily basis.

So today, on the very first day of my blog , I find myself coaching someone going through the throngs of love addiction. The “I can’t live with him, I can’t live without him” dance of relationship death. Ok, maybe all love addicted relationships don’t have to die a slow and prolonged death, but from both my personal and professional experience , unless we are in the care of someone with experience in the field, most seem to go through the cycle of drama , drama, and more drama.

The constant breakups, makeups, broken promises and more. An addiction can be defined as a process in which we return to a substance or behavoir even though we know it is not in our best interest, or as some might say for our highest good. So as I sit there listening to my client rationalize her return to someone who has lied again….mislead her again… I had to reflect on my own experiences as a “love addict”.

From a male perspective I might add, this topic will never be discussed in a locker room or over a few beers. Most men, and probably women as well, cannot see their staying in an unhealthy relationship as an addiction. It took me a solid year and one half of hell in a relationship before a very good friend of mine, who is an amazing healer, and an excellent psychotherapist were able to shed light on a very taboo subject. Finally it all made sense. I had seen the effects that another addiction had on my life, and with their help was able to see this as the same thing. I was “hooked” by the desire for love, but was with someone who was not capable of offering what I desired, needed, and wanted.

To this day, it still amazes me what I was willing to go through , all of the pain, misery, breakups and more for the sake of this addiction. I had broken all of the promises I had made to myself about the type of person I wanted to be with. When I found out that this person was still married, seperated but legally married, after she intially told me she was divorced, I stayed. When I found out she was in active addiction with nicotine after being told she was not, I left but came right back. When I was accused of having affairs during our relationship even though I had the proof that it was not true, I left…but a short time later again came right back. The addiction had me in its death grip, and I was holding on for dear life.

You see, I was the enabler. I wanted to be the “hero” and save this poor woman from her terrible marriage, and help her to heal at every level possible. Even though I had set one boundary after another…”I can’t see you until you’re officially divorced…until you’re free of addiction…until you’re emotionally free to date me”…I continued to break down my own healthy walls and either seek her out, or let her back in when she called….In the throngs of love addiction, we’ll stay in unhealthy relationships for months, years, even decades!! The fantasy of love was my drug, and up to a point regardless of what I had to endure, just like the addict who absolutely needs a drink at 7pm, a cigarette first thing in the morning or after a fight with their partner….I needed this person. And, at any cost. For a while we were both victims of this insane dance, and even though I knew this was far from normal behavoir, I rationalized my reactions all in the name of love. As I see it now, in the name of addiction.

It does’nt mean that this relationship was without power, intensity , attraction, romance ,fun and more…but it was lacking respect . I had a lack of respect for myself, that even though I knew this person from the beginning had not told me the truth, I continued in the relationship. I can now see my role more clearly than ever, and look to help as many people as I can to first see the truth of what their situation is. To see the role they are playing. To get out of denial, and into reality. For until we can see our own role, nothing can really change. Until we can stop blaming the other person for all of the problems in our realtionship, nothing can really be healed at the deepest level inside. And more often than not, we are destined to repeat our past mistakes.

Forgiving ourselves is crucial to growth. Forgiving the other person follows this first step. Surrendering to the truth of our behavoirs, not the fantasy of love is not an easy move, but the freedom that eventually appears is so very worth the effort.

So today as I watched my client struggling with the very same issue, I smiled broadly inside as she turned before leaving my office and said, “David, I swear this feels like I’m addicted to him or something. I know that sounds crazy, but he’s like a drug I can’t leave alone. Can we look at that possibility next session?”

“Your inner voice is speaking very strongly” I replied. “Yes, it’s the perfect time to explore your thoughts…you might be on to something really important to your future.” I could see relief instantly sweep across her face, and I know she’s on the perfect path to healing. Definitely her own healing, and hopefully her partners too.