Saturday, December 8, 2007

“Love” will never be enough….

My client sat with tears streaming down his face. Unable to speak, he just stared at the floor, sobbing. This was the first time I had seen him be so raw, so vulnerable, and I knew a great healing was taking place.

“I thought she was the one, I really thought this time I had experienced a love that would last until I died…I had never felt, at least as long as I remember, such a connection. We needed no outside distractions to feel this way. All we needed was the time to spend together…to walk…to talk…to kiss…to make love……that was all. No dinner parties, trips…while those are all fun, we found that just being together, we were satisfied… I thought that this love would truly get us through anything….and yet, it ended.”

It had been several months since he had ended the relationship, and for some very healthy reasons. What he came to realize was that they were the perfect couple to date each other, to learn from each other, and then to let go of. Many of our relationships are designed to do just that. They help us to define who we are, what we want, but not all can be “the one”.

I had asked him to do a series of written exercises to help him to see the reality of this relationship, not just what he wanted to see. In these writings, some amazing truths were discovered: while they did love each other, they had very different views of the type of life they each wanted to live. She wanted to be taken care of in every way, did not want to work, and looked at this as an imperative part of her relationship. He wanted to be with someone who was passionately involved in something…a career, or volunteer work. He loved to nurture and wanted someone to take care of his needs. She had set limits early on in their relationship with this, and had no interest in fully being involved in his career , to offer the type of support that he wanted. As he wrote these things out, it was easier to see that while they had love at some very deep and wonderful levels, and while they had immense physical passion for each other…they were coming from very different worlds, with very different goals.

The most amazing thing happened next in this session. As he was viewing all that he had written, he looked up and said ” It’s really true, love alone will never be enough to sustain a long term “once in a lifetime” type of relationship. I had hoped and wished that the passion, and some of our similar interests would be enough. I see now that we also have to really like and respect our partner, and the choices they make. Maybe it’s not that she is wrong for treating me the way she has, or for making the choice to not fully support or nurture me the way I want , but rather that we are just not right for each other. I’m sure there are many men that she would connect with and accept her as she is. That’s a huge lesson for me here…To look for a partner I love right now, as she is at this moment, not when she becomes who I would want her to be.”

It was literally beautiful to see his transformation right in front of me. His sadness now was genuine, that he had loved her, and that he missed that love. But as importantly, he saw how important it was to let her go, and to allow her just to be who she is right now, without judgement that it is wrong.

In reality, whatever we desire in a relationship is right for us at this very moment. And , that love will not be enough. That’s the stuff of fairy tales. We must really LIKE this person. We must really RESPECT this person. He found that for his dreams, he could not totally like someone who just wanted to be taken care of in life. And, with this as a fact, this partner could never be right for him. So, without judgement, he finally came to the place of letting her go, and allowing her to find the perfect person for her.

As he left, he commented that he will never forget the love he felt….the joy he shared….the vulnerable places he went with her…the beautiful moments making love and holding her ….those were treasures to remember. But fully respecting her wishes, which were so different from the type of life he wanted with a partner, was an area he never thought he’d experience. Now, he could see both sides and be open to a new love that would be right for him.

Slow down as we approach love, and look to create a deep friendship as well, filled with fun, laughter ,respect and more. You can create the divine union you’ve always wanted, if you want to. Love, Peace, David

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