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On my last blogtalkradio show, www.blogtalkradio.com/davidessel , I discussed an email that I received from a woman blaming her partner for her lack of reaching an orgasm during their intimate moments. Because this issue has been brought to my attention many times over the years in my work as a Relationship Coach, I wanted to create a space here to help those in a similar situation.
The cause of disappointment in women who do not reach orgasm in their intimate relations lies in one of three causes:
1. ) they do not know their body and it's sensual/sexual needs, or
2.) they have not shared with their partner exactly how they desire/need to be pleased, or
3.) they have in detail on multiple occasions shown their partner how to explicitly please them, but their partner is insensitive to these needs.
If you fall into category 3, which is an extremely rare event in the cases I have worked with but one that many woman feel they are a part of, get into counseling yesterday.
If you fall into category 2, which has a huge fan base it seems as it by far is where almost every woman I have worked with over the years resides, who fail to reach orgasm with their partner, here's great news. This is easily remedied if you want it to be. Unfortunately, many woman say they want to have this part of their relationship fixed, but they do not want to do the work I am about to propose.
The reason for this is that they have a subconscious desire to stay unfulfilled. They are able to wrestle some power from their male partner by being able to say to their close friends that he just can;t please her. Sad, but true.
It also allows her to stay away from the deep , vulnerable intimacy that occurs when a couple is trying to heal sexual issues. If she really wanted to explore her needs, both emotional and physical with a partner, she would have to become fully open, honest and transparent in bed. She would have to direct him, with words and action. If she carries any shame or guilt around sex, she might find this too scary to do. In this case, it's time to get help.
"He should know how to please a woman", is the excuse many make so that they don't have to go deep in intimacy.
If you fall into category 2, please follow this exercise. Write a story to your partner describing how you would love to have your needs , both emotional and physical, met. When it gets to your sexual needs, be highly detailed and explicit. Break all of your previously held notions about what a woman should or should not say about her sexual needs, and just go for it. This should be fun for you to do, and if it is written with love, as in a fantasy/reality world, he should love reading it too. Everyone wins.
Hey women!!! Men cannot read minds!!! Help us out!!
If you fall into category one, begin to explore your body today, by yourself. Get lotions, vibrators and toys to see what different pressure and speeds feel like. When you know what it takes to bring you to an orgasm by yourself, re read the above exercise.
Slow down and explore the wonders of reaching your sexual orgasm with your partner. Drop the blame, and go towards deep love and intimacy today.
Love, peace, Rev. David www.davidessel.com
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There is a fourth possibility: Sexual Addiction/Repression.
ReplyDeleteThey say that opposites attract and at first glance this might appear to be true. But through the teachings of the Law of Attraction, we now know that like attracts like. If we can accept this and simply go into a state of learning we can heal!
Often, much more often that we realize we are setting up the dynamic roles of the repressed and the acting out behaviors of addiction in our relationships. Believe it or not, we do this on a soul level to reveal to ourselves something deeply hidden within our own psyche that needs and wants to be revealed.
Because we have shutdown communication with ourselves the link in communication to others can be broken due to varying levels of sexual addiction, relationship addiction, romantic addiction, and/or repression of any of the above.
Many people think a sex addict is someone who obessesively uses pornography, is promiscuous or worse. This is not the case. As with all addiction we can heat up so slowly in the pot that we don't know we're boiling. The body chemistry enacted by sexual thoughts and behaviors is as potent as heroin.
As learning creatures the potential to develop all kinds of fetishes, both subtle and no so is an element that is always present in some form or fashion.
In normal sexuality this may be represented by what we call our "ideal" partner, but can easily change when we meet someone that we really connect with on a level beyond the visual.
For others who are bound in addiction, they absolutely MUST have a certain body type, hair color, income level, spiritual orientation, or even something as subtle as a fetish sexual position that may not even fall out the realm of generally accepted behaviors, etc.
These things can be difficult to come to recognize in our life and I daresay, until complete transparency with the self occurs, it is impossible to see the reality. Sometimes it is only made known through our unending parade of relationships or long terms in bad relationships or simply by pervading unhappiness and depression.
There is hope for healing. I'm not saying that everyone is a sex addict. I am saying that because these powerful chemical are something that everyone has universal, unfettered access to that we need to be aware of the power of our sexuality.
I see more and more people coming to work with the power of their sexual energy in a new way. Perhaps people have not "given up" on being able to express their sexuality through the act of sex. Perhaps what they are doing is exploring the true power of their sexual energy and coming to form a deep and true intimacy with this part of themselves so that they can become more highly attuned and create their entire life (not just their sex life) at a whole new level.
Some food for thought...after the orgy!!