Posts
Outside of our addiction to negative thoughts, I believe the second most common addiction in this world is that to love relationships. Being addicted is easily defined as returning to a thought , substance or behavior that is not healthy for us. And millions of love relationships easily fall into that category.
Many of my past and current clients put all of their hopes and dreams on the thought that "If only I was in a true love relationship, my world would be complete. " If we're single, this thought can become compulsive. If we're in a relationship that is not working, we're sure that if we had someone different, our life would be amazing. Addiction is written all over these thought processes.
In my own life, more times than I care to recall, I've stayed in relationships that even after a short period of 30 days I knew were totally not in my best interest! Yes, I was addicted to the notion of love, and even though my inner voice was screaming it's time to move on, the other voice of love addiction was begging me to stay.
There were times where I was with someone who had religious beliefs that ran counter to mine, and after seeing the only answer for us both was to move on and find someone who we did connect with at this critical level, we stayed, and the drama continued.
Or other times when I found myself with a wonderful person, but not connected with a similar vision of communication. I would stay against all warning signs going off, in the quest for love. Yes, a form of addiction.
I wrote recently about a client who was wondering if they should stay with their partner after he saw her texting her friends while he was making love to her. His decision to stay, even after she had again returned to the act of texting during sex with him is a sign of an addiction, in his words, to a great desire to make love work. Yes, an addiction to love.
When we continue to go back to an unhealthy love relationship, we are acting out of an addiction, that can be chemically based as well. Millions of chemicals, endorphins and hormones are released not just during sex, but even during the thought or fantasy of love. When we try to leave an unhealthy love affair, within a day or so both an emotional and physiological withdrawal can take place, and if we are not aware that this is because of our own addiction to love, we'll return once again to the person that is not right for us.
Many men and women stay in abusive relationships because of the power of both the emotional and physical addiction of "LOVE".
There are couples who have been together for 50 years or longer, who stayed not because they were right for each other, but because of their addiction to love.
Break your addiction to love relationships today with the help of a minister, counselor or skilled coach. For most of us, seeing the patterns of love addiction must be done with a professional, who can then also help us to create a future based in real, healthy, love relationships. Yes, it can be done.
Love, peace, Rev. David www.davidessel.com
Showing posts with label abandonment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label abandonment. Show all posts
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Emotional Recovery: It takes a Professional, or Two
A client walked in several months ago, sat down and proudly proclaimed she would not need to go through with our planned work together as she had diagnosed her own issues, and was well on her way to self healing. She had read enough books, received more information off of the inter net, and now was going to heal her emotional problems from her past, by herself.
This was not, unfortunately, this first time I had seen this very same experience in my office occur. As she left, I wished her the very best, and said a prayer that if she did not follow through with the work we had planned, that she would find another professional to work with.
Issues of abandonment from our childhood, emotional or physical abuse from any age, or low self worth followed by continued self sabotaging behaviors will rarely, if ever, be healed by ourselves.
The reason this client left, or others choose to bypass a professionals assistance is because they really do not want to do the deep work necessary to get past their past experiences. Why? Because, there often is alot of work to be done. Work that while not necessarily fun in the moment, brings huge relief down the road.
I know myself, for years I tried to heal my own issues of abandonment by myself, and thought I had until they would raise their head again somehow in a business or personal relationship. I finally relented, and got the most amazing help from both a relationship coach and a therapist.
I pulled the same "I can heal/fix myself" attitude when I finally faced my alcoholism. Guess what? Yes, you're right, it never worked until I surrendered to a team of professionals.
If you're reading this and have experienced emotional issues in relationships, intimate ones or maybe with your core family members, get out of denial, get out of the delusion that you can fix yourself. You simply cannot.
Slow down, and ask a professional for help today for long lasting emotional recovery. . And do not expect a correct diagnosis, or even the perfect plan of action for up to 4- 8 sessions of working together. The professional coach, counselor or therapist will need at least that much time for a correct diagnosis.
(ps....After months of trying to heal herself, with no results, I'm excited to say this former client has finally surrendered, and is working one on one with two fantastic professionals. As I see her changes weekly, I can say that what held her back before, will finally be released for good.)
Love, peace, Rev. David http://www.davidessel.com/
This was not, unfortunately, this first time I had seen this very same experience in my office occur. As she left, I wished her the very best, and said a prayer that if she did not follow through with the work we had planned, that she would find another professional to work with.
Issues of abandonment from our childhood, emotional or physical abuse from any age, or low self worth followed by continued self sabotaging behaviors will rarely, if ever, be healed by ourselves.
The reason this client left, or others choose to bypass a professionals assistance is because they really do not want to do the deep work necessary to get past their past experiences. Why? Because, there often is alot of work to be done. Work that while not necessarily fun in the moment, brings huge relief down the road.
I know myself, for years I tried to heal my own issues of abandonment by myself, and thought I had until they would raise their head again somehow in a business or personal relationship. I finally relented, and got the most amazing help from both a relationship coach and a therapist.
I pulled the same "I can heal/fix myself" attitude when I finally faced my alcoholism. Guess what? Yes, you're right, it never worked until I surrendered to a team of professionals.
If you're reading this and have experienced emotional issues in relationships, intimate ones or maybe with your core family members, get out of denial, get out of the delusion that you can fix yourself. You simply cannot.
Slow down, and ask a professional for help today for long lasting emotional recovery. . And do not expect a correct diagnosis, or even the perfect plan of action for up to 4- 8 sessions of working together. The professional coach, counselor or therapist will need at least that much time for a correct diagnosis.
(ps....After months of trying to heal herself, with no results, I'm excited to say this former client has finally surrendered, and is working one on one with two fantastic professionals. As I see her changes weekly, I can say that what held her back before, will finally be released for good.)
Love, peace, Rev. David http://www.davidessel.com/
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Elusive love due to childhood events: Abandonment
It's amazing how many of us struggle in our search for love, due to our inability to release events that happened during our childhood.Many events that surround abandonment. For many, it may not even be because we have not tried to let the past go, but simply due to the fact that we have no idea that a traumatic event even occurred.
A number of years ago I worked with an amazing therapist on this very issue. As we examined my love relationships,and discussed patterns and events that repeated themselves with several women I had dated, she went into a meditative state and came out of it with an intuitive sense that something traumatic happened to me around the age of three. She had sensed that I may have been left alone somewhere for a long time, like at a school, and sat by myself wondering if someone was ever going to pick me up. Or, it could have been something physical that made me feel unloved, or unlovable.
Now for the life of me I could not remember, or imagine anything traumatic occurring. Some people have a faint memory of being molested, others recall their parents divorce, but I could not link anything in my childhood to a feeling of abuse or neglect, that might make me feel fearful of abandonment or non trusting of women, or men in life. Yet, the patterns we were looking at that had occurred in my relationships were leading us to believe something serious had occurred.
The therapist recommended that I contact my parents, and ask them if anything traumatic happened, or something that might feel like a "traumatic" event to a young boy, around the ages of when I was 3-6. The results were astounding.
My father recalled the day my younger brother was being born, and the doctor came out and told my dad that there were major complications in the delivery, and that he had to choose to save my brother, or my moms life. My dad went into a minor shock as you can imagine, and finally told the doctor to do whatever he had to to save them both.
Hours later, they were able to save them both, but my brother was very ill for the first 6 months or more of his life. During this time, my mothers full focus was on him, first at the hospital, then at home. As the therapist and I continued to work together, my fears of deep intimacy with women were being manhandled and exaggerated by the fact that I was afraid I would be left, either emotionally or physically again, as I was at the age of three.
You see, as that 3 year old little boy, all I knew was that my mom was not around, physically at first, and then emotionally. I did not have the capacity to understand that she was doing the very best she could. All that I knew was that when life gets stressful, women you love leave.
What an amazing breakthrough!! To see that my desire for intimacy had always been so high, but my fears of the past repeating itself was also extremely high!
The first step, as always , is to learn to fully love ourselves. To forgive the little boy in us, the little girl in us, for their fears. For the trauma they experienced. We need to be able to discuss this with a minister, coach, or therapist to get to the bottom of what happened, then most importantly, to surround that little person, who is still with us today, with unconditional love.
As I write about this experience, I can feel myself at 3, wondering where mommy is? I don't see her that much these days, did I do something wrong? Does she still love me? Why is she always with the baby? Why doesn't she spend as much time with me as before?
The child within wants so desperately to be held, and when we're not, even for very good reasons, we shrivel, go within, and lose our ability to love, to trust.
Before, when I had a struggle in a relationship with a woman, I'd subconsciously wonder when she would leave me too. I may even have chosen women that would leave me at the sign of stress, proving my childhood fears to be true. Women, if you love them, will leave you.
Thanks to this awareness, I can bravely walk into love, feel my childhood fears, discuss them, and let them go. I can be open without fear of rejection, and walk the path of love over and over. Every time, learning more about the importance of staying present, even in the fear.
Slow down. If you see patterns in love, get the help you need, now.
Love, peace, David Essel http://www.davidessel.com
A number of years ago I worked with an amazing therapist on this very issue. As we examined my love relationships,and discussed patterns and events that repeated themselves with several women I had dated, she went into a meditative state and came out of it with an intuitive sense that something traumatic happened to me around the age of three. She had sensed that I may have been left alone somewhere for a long time, like at a school, and sat by myself wondering if someone was ever going to pick me up. Or, it could have been something physical that made me feel unloved, or unlovable.
Now for the life of me I could not remember, or imagine anything traumatic occurring. Some people have a faint memory of being molested, others recall their parents divorce, but I could not link anything in my childhood to a feeling of abuse or neglect, that might make me feel fearful of abandonment or non trusting of women, or men in life. Yet, the patterns we were looking at that had occurred in my relationships were leading us to believe something serious had occurred.
The therapist recommended that I contact my parents, and ask them if anything traumatic happened, or something that might feel like a "traumatic" event to a young boy, around the ages of when I was 3-6. The results were astounding.
My father recalled the day my younger brother was being born, and the doctor came out and told my dad that there were major complications in the delivery, and that he had to choose to save my brother, or my moms life. My dad went into a minor shock as you can imagine, and finally told the doctor to do whatever he had to to save them both.
Hours later, they were able to save them both, but my brother was very ill for the first 6 months or more of his life. During this time, my mothers full focus was on him, first at the hospital, then at home. As the therapist and I continued to work together, my fears of deep intimacy with women were being manhandled and exaggerated by the fact that I was afraid I would be left, either emotionally or physically again, as I was at the age of three.
You see, as that 3 year old little boy, all I knew was that my mom was not around, physically at first, and then emotionally. I did not have the capacity to understand that she was doing the very best she could. All that I knew was that when life gets stressful, women you love leave.
What an amazing breakthrough!! To see that my desire for intimacy had always been so high, but my fears of the past repeating itself was also extremely high!
The first step, as always , is to learn to fully love ourselves. To forgive the little boy in us, the little girl in us, for their fears. For the trauma they experienced. We need to be able to discuss this with a minister, coach, or therapist to get to the bottom of what happened, then most importantly, to surround that little person, who is still with us today, with unconditional love.
As I write about this experience, I can feel myself at 3, wondering where mommy is? I don't see her that much these days, did I do something wrong? Does she still love me? Why is she always with the baby? Why doesn't she spend as much time with me as before?
The child within wants so desperately to be held, and when we're not, even for very good reasons, we shrivel, go within, and lose our ability to love, to trust.
Before, when I had a struggle in a relationship with a woman, I'd subconsciously wonder when she would leave me too. I may even have chosen women that would leave me at the sign of stress, proving my childhood fears to be true. Women, if you love them, will leave you.
Thanks to this awareness, I can bravely walk into love, feel my childhood fears, discuss them, and let them go. I can be open without fear of rejection, and walk the path of love over and over. Every time, learning more about the importance of staying present, even in the fear.
Slow down. If you see patterns in love, get the help you need, now.
Love, peace, David Essel http://www.davidessel.com
Friday, March 27, 2009
Have we all been abandoned in life?
It may surprise many of us to know that in some way, shape or form, we have all been abandoned in life. And the consequences of this act, or acts, if left untreated , are disastrous.
Abandonment can come in many forms. Being left at the altar, let go from a career you enjoy, an affair, losing a home, being cut off from contact with family members, left out of a social group, dumped by a lover, being told as a youngster that you'd be picked up at 3pm...yet no one came till 6pm.
We all face these issues in one form or another , yet if we submerge them, make excuses for someone so as not to face the real pain, we will act those emotions out for the rest of our lives in a variety of ways.
The most damaging in my viewpoint? It's when we have a general distrust of people. Bosses. Lovers. Friends. Ministers. Doctors. Etc, etc, etc.
Write down the times you have been abandoned in life. Face them. Feel them.The pain, the anger, the sadness.
Stare at the page daily until you come to a place where the pain lessons.
Then, write a letter of forgiveness to the person who abandoned you.
Write a letter of forgiveness to yourself, for holding the pain for so long.
Hold the letters, re- read them daily until the event has passed...emotionally.
Work with a therapist or coach....and find that you can experience a new found energy for life, once you let the "abandoned" experience go.
Slow down.
Love, peace, David www.talkdavid.com
Abandonment can come in many forms. Being left at the altar, let go from a career you enjoy, an affair, losing a home, being cut off from contact with family members, left out of a social group, dumped by a lover, being told as a youngster that you'd be picked up at 3pm...yet no one came till 6pm.
We all face these issues in one form or another , yet if we submerge them, make excuses for someone so as not to face the real pain, we will act those emotions out for the rest of our lives in a variety of ways.
The most damaging in my viewpoint? It's when we have a general distrust of people. Bosses. Lovers. Friends. Ministers. Doctors. Etc, etc, etc.
Write down the times you have been abandoned in life. Face them. Feel them.The pain, the anger, the sadness.
Stare at the page daily until you come to a place where the pain lessons.
Then, write a letter of forgiveness to the person who abandoned you.
Write a letter of forgiveness to yourself, for holding the pain for so long.
Hold the letters, re- read them daily until the event has passed...emotionally.
Work with a therapist or coach....and find that you can experience a new found energy for life, once you let the "abandoned" experience go.
Slow down.
Love, peace, David www.talkdavid.com
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
