Sunday, July 5, 2009

Elusive love due to childhood events: Abandonment

It's amazing how many of us struggle in our search for love, due to our inability to release events that happened during our childhood.Many events that surround abandonment. For many, it may not even be because we have not tried to let the past go, but simply due to the fact that we have no idea that a traumatic event even occurred.

A number of years ago I worked with an amazing therapist on this very issue. As we examined my love relationships,and discussed patterns and events that repeated themselves with several women I had dated, she went into a meditative state and came out of it with an intuitive sense that something traumatic happened to me around the age of three. She had sensed that I may have been left alone somewhere for a long time, like at a school, and sat by myself wondering if someone was ever going to pick me up. Or, it could have been something physical that made me feel unloved, or unlovable.

Now for the life of me I could not remember, or imagine anything traumatic occurring. Some people have a faint memory of being molested, others recall their parents divorce, but I could not link anything in my childhood to a feeling of abuse or neglect, that might make me feel fearful of abandonment or non trusting of women, or men in life. Yet, the patterns we were looking at that had occurred in my relationships were leading us to believe something serious had occurred.

The therapist recommended that I contact my parents, and ask them if anything traumatic happened, or something that might feel like a "traumatic" event to a young boy, around the ages of when I was 3-6. The results were astounding.

My father recalled the day my younger brother was being born, and the doctor came out and told my dad that there were major complications in the delivery, and that he had to choose to save my brother, or my moms life. My dad went into a minor shock as you can imagine, and finally told the doctor to do whatever he had to to save them both.

Hours later, they were able to save them both, but my brother was very ill for the first 6 months or more of his life. During this time, my mothers full focus was on him, first at the hospital, then at home. As the therapist and I continued to work together, my fears of deep intimacy with women were being manhandled and exaggerated by the fact that I was afraid I would be left, either emotionally or physically again, as I was at the age of three.

You see, as that 3 year old little boy, all I knew was that my mom was not around, physically at first, and then emotionally. I did not have the capacity to understand that she was doing the very best she could. All that I knew was that when life gets stressful, women you love leave.

What an amazing breakthrough!! To see that my desire for intimacy had always been so high, but my fears of the past repeating itself was also extremely high!

The first step, as always , is to learn to fully love ourselves. To forgive the little boy in us, the little girl in us, for their fears. For the trauma they experienced. We need to be able to discuss this with a minister, coach, or therapist to get to the bottom of what happened, then most importantly, to surround that little person, who is still with us today, with unconditional love.

As I write about this experience, I can feel myself at 3, wondering where mommy is? I don't see her that much these days, did I do something wrong? Does she still love me? Why is she always with the baby? Why doesn't she spend as much time with me as before?

The child within wants so desperately to be held, and when we're not, even for very good reasons, we shrivel, go within, and lose our ability to love, to trust.

Before, when I had a struggle in a relationship with a woman, I'd subconsciously wonder when she would leave me too. I may even have chosen women that would leave me at the sign of stress, proving my childhood fears to be true. Women, if you love them, will leave you.

Thanks to this awareness, I can bravely walk into love, feel my childhood fears, discuss them, and let them go. I can be open without fear of rejection, and walk the path of love over and over. Every time, learning more about the importance of staying present, even in the fear.

Slow down. If you see patterns in love, get the help you need, now.

Love, peace, David Essel

1 comment:

  1. Beautiful insight from a beautiful person!