Saturday, July 4, 2009

Are you really ready for love?

( My client Kathie from the West Coast enthusiastically gave me permission to print her story, as she begins her path to self love and healing. DE)

There was a long pause on the other end of the phone after I had asked my client a very important question to start off our first session. "Are you really ready for love?"

"Of course I am!" , she replied. "That's why I hired you, to help me create a great mindset to attract the man of my dreams."

For the next 30 minutes she rambled on and on about what a great catch she was. She owned several homes and condominiums, had worked for the same firm for 30 years,and was a self made woman that all men should respect. Her last relationship ended in betrayal, but that was 12 months ago and she was just glad to have that loser out of her life. She had almost started dating someone right after that relationship ended, but he began some strange behavior, stalking her in a way online.

While her ex-husband was still in the picture , it was only because they had 4 children together. He was nothing but a pain in her side, constantly giving her grief.

I asked her about her family, which she tried to skirt around, until she finally admitted that she had not talked to her mother in many years, and that her greatest accomplishment was that she did not end up like her in any way at all. As a matter of fact, she had hoped to never speak to her again, and refused visits with her children, as she felt her mother would be a bad influence on them.

She then proceeded to tell me that she did not trust people very easily, as most were not to be trusted. She just wanted to meet the man that would make her life complete. The man that would show her children what it meant to be a good father figure. A man that she could finally trust, as the ones up to now she could not.

What followed after her monologue was not what she wanted to hear, although it was the truth.

"I honestly can say, that I believe you are ready to begin your healing work but you are not ready for a real love relationship. Love, real love, demands that your heart is open, that you trust until you have a reason not to, that you are emotionally free of your past relationships, and that you have come to closure with your family of origin issues."

I could hear her tapping her finger on the table, totally frustrated with the news she was getting.

"By the tone of your voice, you cannot stand your ex-husband, and you still have resentments against your ex-boyfriend who betrayed you somehow. And, there is unfinished business with your mother, as when you talk about her, your voice tone totally changes. "

"You don't understand", she replied, "my ex-husband harasses me weekly and the ex-boyfriend stole money from me, and lied repeatedly. I just want to meet a great guy, finally, once and for all."

"I know you may not appreciate this, but we attract in the dating world the same type of people, with the same energy, that we currently are/have. Until you change, and fully forgive your ex-husband and ex- boyfriend, you will continue to attract the same type of people. Truthfully, any healthy man you might meet right now would walk away from you, because they would see, or feel, your drama and unfinished business."

I continued.

"The best thing right now for you, would be to NOT date at all. Take this time to work on yourself, to heal, to forgive even your mother. If you do this, you will find love. If you do not, you'll continue to create chaos and drama in your relationships."

Of course if she wanted to date, I knew she would, regardless of what I might be sharing with her. I have coached women in a similar situation who have dated while they healed, but they did so as close friends, never going into a full blown relationship. Possible, but not easy for many.

I left her with a "prescription" that I write about in the book "Slow Down". Take six months to 1 year, and work with a therapist, coach or minister each week to finally learn how to love yourself and others through forgiveness and acceptance. We will be ready for love if we clean up our past. If we don't, we'll continue to live it in every new relationship.

Slow down.

Love, peace, David Essel

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