Thursday, July 23, 2009

Staying present in love: The key to deep intimacy

Of all of the keys to keeping love alive in a relationship, none is more important than our ability to be "fully present" with our partner on a daily basis, or fully intimate.

What does it mean to be fully present? Let's take a look at several examples:

1) When we kiss, we are aware of the softness of our partners lips, the way we hold them, and they hold us.

2) When we talk, our attention is fully on their words, not while engaged on the computer, but we actually turn and face them.

3) During sex, we look into their eyes, we engage in words that prove how present we truly are.

4) If we desire a different type of lovemaking, or a different approach to the way we kiss, or they kiss us, we discuss this shift with love, outside of the bedroom.

Staying fully present in love means that we are willing to be truly vulnerable in love. It means we are willing to be rejected, to talk about intimate issues that before we stayed away from, so that we didn't rock the boat. It means that we'll be fully honest in what our needs are, and at the same time ask our partners what their needs are too.

As relationships grow, I've seen clients who hold resentments against their partners because their own desires are not fulfilled, yet they never shared with their lovers what those desires are. Yes, we expect that our lovers should be mind readers, we shy away from deep risk taking intimacy, and stay shrouded in a "partial" type of love.

If you're single, prepare now for your next relationship by reflecting back and seeing how you protected yourself in your past relationships from having to be fully present, fully honest, fully intimate. Everyone should write out how they'd like to shift, change right now, so that they begin to go for the love and intimacy we all desire.

Slow down, stay present in love, in all ways, and watch your new found intimacy bloom.

Love, peace, David Essel

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