For years I had a hidden addiction, an addiction that many people have struggled with but even more would never believe or understand, that was a block to personal success as well as to my Higher Power, or God.
I was a binge cocaine addict.
When many find this out, it's almost too much to believe.
During my entire adult life, I struggled to keep this from as many people as possible.
As a motivational speaker, radio/tv host, author and Master Life coach...it just did not fit.
As a fitness buff, who prayed daily, meditated daily, wrote in a journal weekly and lead an existence centered around helping others to reach their full potential, I would hide away for days at a time and worship cocaine.
My binges would have me up until 6am, when I'd do my last line, drink another bottle of wine to help me "come down" from the screaming high, try and locate some Valium to ease the crash...and then sleep the best I could until early afternoon.
I had sought help, but was never truly honest with any therapist in regards to the amount of cocaine I was doing or how often it happened.
A month or two might go by, then I was out looking again to score enough to keep me high for a few more days.
At times I might even let 3-4 months go buy...and then the cravings would begin.
As anyone who has ever tried to quit smoking on their own knows, the cravings for the high can be so powerful that no human intervention can ever work for very long...
Cocaine led me to the feeling of connection to God...while high, I created the life I always wanted..
I could creatively map out my next book...next workshop..fantasize about playing guitar.....search for luxury beach homes.....the fantasies went on and on..I was invincible!!
Until regardless of how many "lines" I did, I could not get higher...
Then the crash began..the lows filled in for the highs...and the following days sucked so bad I didn't want to live.
We called them the "pcb's"...post coke blues.
I reached out to God so many times in prayer...in pleas..to no avail.
Then in 1996, while living on Ft Myers Beach, after another all nite blowout...I awoke at 2.30pm and stared at the fan above my bed.
My dog Kona was on the floor and needed to be walked, as the last time she had been out was 5.30 am, after doing 5 large lines to give me the high needed to walk her before any neighbors would be up.
I remember screaming out to God.."please save me!! " Tears streamed down my face as I knew my life was now totally out of control.
"Please God please!!! Please save me, please remove this addiction. Please God hear my cry. I need you right now!!"
Tears streamed down my face as I laid in my own sweat, petrified of what was going on in my life.
While I had cried for help before, it was never with this intensity. I screamed so loud , afterwards I wondered if anyone might have heard me.
And that someone was God.
My day of screams was my surrender to my Higher Power, to God.
My craving, my addiction to cocaine was lifted that day, a true testament to the power of God, the power of surrender.
I am humble, I am grateful, I am in awe.
If you struggle with ANY addiction.... to love, nicotine, spending, negative thinking, religion, food, alcohol, sex, spending...Go to surrender.
Try 12 step groups, continue to try anything everyday of your life.
The freedom is what living is all about.
I love you, David Essel