Posts
Wed, August 26, 9am – 11am
FGCU IOG - 8695 College Pkwy., Suite 1181 (The Atrium), Ft. Myers, FL 33919 (map)
FGCU Institute of Government presents, "The Leader’s Edge: What Makes Leader’s Successful" with Master Life Coach and Hay House author, David Essel.
What truly sets leaders apart from those who simply aspire to be the best in their field? Today’s leader requires the ability to establish strong working relationships through vision, communication, diplomacy, creativity, trust, and self-awareness. During this presentation you will learn how to align your leadership skills and practices to help you reach your goals, including:
· How leaders in today’s world stay inspired in their passion and purpose
· What the top people in any field have in common that keeps them going strong regardless of what is going on around them
· How you, too, can reach the incredible successes that true leaders achieve and maintain in all aspects of their lives
Cost: $49 General Public (Continental Breakfast included)
Contact: Joanne Hartke
Phone: 239.425.3273
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Single and Blessed: A Path To love
Over the past 25 years, one of the most common complaints from many of my clients has been their frustration with being single, at any age.
"But David, the only thing missing in my life is a partner, if I had that , everything would be perfect...I just hate doing everything alone, if I had a partner, life would be complete...Why does EVERYONE else have someone special in their lives, but me!"
As their tales of frustration sink deeper and deeper into their minds, they continue to reap what they sow. More frustration at the best, or at the worst, they will attract other people with the same mindset. Like does attract like. It's simply the law of attraction. So, when they do attract people interested in a relationship, the match will literally blow apart, as they see the reflection of themselves in the other person, and it surely is not pretty!
I remember recalling a story in the book "Slow Down:The Fastest Way to Get Everything You Want", about a client who said she just wanted a partner so she wouldn't have to do everything alone. When I asked if a future partner would get really excited, hearing this as the main reason she was looking for love, she started laughing so hard she could not speak. "Oh my, I sound so desperate!"
And she did. And so does anyone who cannot see the beauty in their current single state. When we are single is the time to look at our past relationships and see what we did really well, and what we must change.
Are we exceptional at communicating when our feelings are hurt?
Are we able to still show love, when things are not going well?
Have we mastered both emotional and physical intimacy?
Do we still run when things get hard? Shut down?
Do we still project and blame that the reasons our past relationships failed...was "them"?
Have we been able to truly forgive all of our past partners, regardless of what they may have done, or not done, in the relationship we had?
Have we received professional help from a therapist, minister or coach to get an objective view of what we have to change about ourselves in order to create a deep love relationship?
Have we been willing to stay out of a relationship for at least a year, as we explore who we are, what we love, how to communicate, how to let go of ALL past relationships?
As we look at our current single status as a blessing, as a time to grow, to heal, versus a curse, we can propel ourselves towards love. Being single is a blessing, and offers a path to love if we choose to take it.
Slow down.
Love, peace, David Essel http://www.davidessel.com
"But David, the only thing missing in my life is a partner, if I had that , everything would be perfect...I just hate doing everything alone, if I had a partner, life would be complete...Why does EVERYONE else have someone special in their lives, but me!"
As their tales of frustration sink deeper and deeper into their minds, they continue to reap what they sow. More frustration at the best, or at the worst, they will attract other people with the same mindset. Like does attract like. It's simply the law of attraction. So, when they do attract people interested in a relationship, the match will literally blow apart, as they see the reflection of themselves in the other person, and it surely is not pretty!
I remember recalling a story in the book "Slow Down:The Fastest Way to Get Everything You Want", about a client who said she just wanted a partner so she wouldn't have to do everything alone. When I asked if a future partner would get really excited, hearing this as the main reason she was looking for love, she started laughing so hard she could not speak. "Oh my, I sound so desperate!"
And she did. And so does anyone who cannot see the beauty in their current single state. When we are single is the time to look at our past relationships and see what we did really well, and what we must change.
Are we exceptional at communicating when our feelings are hurt?
Are we able to still show love, when things are not going well?
Have we mastered both emotional and physical intimacy?
Do we still run when things get hard? Shut down?
Do we still project and blame that the reasons our past relationships failed...was "them"?
Have we been able to truly forgive all of our past partners, regardless of what they may have done, or not done, in the relationship we had?
Have we received professional help from a therapist, minister or coach to get an objective view of what we have to change about ourselves in order to create a deep love relationship?
Have we been willing to stay out of a relationship for at least a year, as we explore who we are, what we love, how to communicate, how to let go of ALL past relationships?
As we look at our current single status as a blessing, as a time to grow, to heal, versus a curse, we can propel ourselves towards love. Being single is a blessing, and offers a path to love if we choose to take it.
Slow down.
Love, peace, David Essel http://www.davidessel.com
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Staying present in love: The key to deep intimacy
Of all of the keys to keeping love alive in a relationship, none is more important than our ability to be "fully present" with our partner on a daily basis, or fully intimate.
What does it mean to be fully present? Let's take a look at several examples:
1) When we kiss, we are aware of the softness of our partners lips, the way we hold them, and they hold us.
2) When we talk, our attention is fully on their words, not while engaged on the computer, but we actually turn and face them.
3) During sex, we look into their eyes, we engage in words that prove how present we truly are.
4) If we desire a different type of lovemaking, or a different approach to the way we kiss, or they kiss us, we discuss this shift with love, outside of the bedroom.
Staying fully present in love means that we are willing to be truly vulnerable in love. It means we are willing to be rejected, to talk about intimate issues that before we stayed away from, so that we didn't rock the boat. It means that we'll be fully honest in what our needs are, and at the same time ask our partners what their needs are too.
As relationships grow, I've seen clients who hold resentments against their partners because their own desires are not fulfilled, yet they never shared with their lovers what those desires are. Yes, we expect that our lovers should be mind readers, we shy away from deep risk taking intimacy, and stay shrouded in a "partial" type of love.
If you're single, prepare now for your next relationship by reflecting back and seeing how you protected yourself in your past relationships from having to be fully present, fully honest, fully intimate. Everyone should write out how they'd like to shift, change right now, so that they begin to go for the love and intimacy we all desire.
Slow down, stay present in love, in all ways, and watch your new found intimacy bloom.
Love, peace, David Essel http://www.davidessel.com
What does it mean to be fully present? Let's take a look at several examples:
1) When we kiss, we are aware of the softness of our partners lips, the way we hold them, and they hold us.
2) When we talk, our attention is fully on their words, not while engaged on the computer, but we actually turn and face them.
3) During sex, we look into their eyes, we engage in words that prove how present we truly are.
4) If we desire a different type of lovemaking, or a different approach to the way we kiss, or they kiss us, we discuss this shift with love, outside of the bedroom.
Staying fully present in love means that we are willing to be truly vulnerable in love. It means we are willing to be rejected, to talk about intimate issues that before we stayed away from, so that we didn't rock the boat. It means that we'll be fully honest in what our needs are, and at the same time ask our partners what their needs are too.
As relationships grow, I've seen clients who hold resentments against their partners because their own desires are not fulfilled, yet they never shared with their lovers what those desires are. Yes, we expect that our lovers should be mind readers, we shy away from deep risk taking intimacy, and stay shrouded in a "partial" type of love.
If you're single, prepare now for your next relationship by reflecting back and seeing how you protected yourself in your past relationships from having to be fully present, fully honest, fully intimate. Everyone should write out how they'd like to shift, change right now, so that they begin to go for the love and intimacy we all desire.
Slow down, stay present in love, in all ways, and watch your new found intimacy bloom.
Love, peace, David Essel http://www.davidessel.com
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
"Phone Life Coaching: Is it Effective?" 3 Reasons Why
For the past 17 years I have been asked the same question so many times, "Is Life Coaching over the phone an effective way to become more successful in life?", that I decided to offer an entire blog to the answer.
In the shortest answer possible, yes, yes, yes,....if the coach is skilled in this technique.
Telephone coaching offers a variety of benefits, with the exact same results as coaching in person. When I began my career as a coach in 1992, my first 2 clients that I worked with were in person. After that, about 80% of my clients for 12 years, were all coached over the phone.
From dealing with divorce, spiritual questions, addiction/alcohol recovery, to finding the perfect life partner, the issues are all the same whether we work with someone in person or over the phone. If the coach is an effective listener, and has the talent to ask the right questions, he or she can help their clients to create the life they desire regardless of where they are.
I've been blessed to work with people who live in Los Angeles, New York City, Seattle, actually everywhere you can imagine in the USA, as well as Ireland, the Cayman Islands, Bermuda and even Australia! My client in Australia as a matter of fact would set her alarm for 2am her time, get up, do our one hour session, then go back to bed. Amazing determination.
So here are a few of the top benefits for doing phone coaching as a client:
1) You can work with a powerful coach that you connect with, regardless of where they live.
2) Initially, you may feel more free to open up with your true vulnerabilities, as it feels safer for some to do this over the phone, vs sitting in front of your coach.
3) You can save time driving to someones office, and do your sessions from the comfort of your home or office.
While there are many more benefits than I have listed here, I want you to feel secure in the fact that with the right coach, you can achieve the same success over the phone as you can sitting in a professionals office.
Over the years, I have experienced so many exciting success stories through my long distance clients . One woman found the love partner she had always wanted just after our eight week session ended. Another, doubled her income with a brand new career, the last week of our coaching session. One man who had struggled with alcohol for years, found sobriety via our phone coaching, and yet another long distance client worked his way through the death of a very close family member.
While I'm not a big fan of email coaching long distance, I am a huge proponent of phone coaching for success from any distance around the world. Phone life coaching is an amazingly effective way to achieve the goals you've always wanted to.
Slow down.
Love, peace, David Essel http://www.davidessel.com
In the shortest answer possible, yes, yes, yes,....if the coach is skilled in this technique.
Telephone coaching offers a variety of benefits, with the exact same results as coaching in person. When I began my career as a coach in 1992, my first 2 clients that I worked with were in person. After that, about 80% of my clients for 12 years, were all coached over the phone.
From dealing with divorce, spiritual questions, addiction/alcohol recovery, to finding the perfect life partner, the issues are all the same whether we work with someone in person or over the phone. If the coach is an effective listener, and has the talent to ask the right questions, he or she can help their clients to create the life they desire regardless of where they are.
I've been blessed to work with people who live in Los Angeles, New York City, Seattle, actually everywhere you can imagine in the USA, as well as Ireland, the Cayman Islands, Bermuda and even Australia! My client in Australia as a matter of fact would set her alarm for 2am her time, get up, do our one hour session, then go back to bed. Amazing determination.
So here are a few of the top benefits for doing phone coaching as a client:
1) You can work with a powerful coach that you connect with, regardless of where they live.
2) Initially, you may feel more free to open up with your true vulnerabilities, as it feels safer for some to do this over the phone, vs sitting in front of your coach.
3) You can save time driving to someones office, and do your sessions from the comfort of your home or office.
While there are many more benefits than I have listed here, I want you to feel secure in the fact that with the right coach, you can achieve the same success over the phone as you can sitting in a professionals office.
Over the years, I have experienced so many exciting success stories through my long distance clients . One woman found the love partner she had always wanted just after our eight week session ended. Another, doubled her income with a brand new career, the last week of our coaching session. One man who had struggled with alcohol for years, found sobriety via our phone coaching, and yet another long distance client worked his way through the death of a very close family member.
While I'm not a big fan of email coaching long distance, I am a huge proponent of phone coaching for success from any distance around the world. Phone life coaching is an amazingly effective way to achieve the goals you've always wanted to.
Slow down.
Love, peace, David Essel http://www.davidessel.com
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Alcohol Recovery: An Amazing Success Story
Anyone can recover from alcohol abuse, or dependency, and there are millions of people right now who are walking success stories to prove this statement. And unlike some theories you may have heard about, you do not have to be fully ready to quit to be successful in sobriety. You do not have to truly want to quit to get sober. You do not even have to be at the absolute rock bottom of your life, as many will tell you, in order to live a free, happy, sober life.
I get so tired of hearing this crap about "if you're not fully ready to quit drinking, it will never work. " Hogwash. Baloney. What a bunch of drivel. How do I know that these statements are so off base? Because in the past 24 years of helping people to create the life they've always dreamed of, of helping people to get sober, most of my clients did not fall into any category of being "fully ready to quit, or at their absolute rock bottom."
Yes, a few were at rock bottom, but not the majority. A few were finally, fully ready to quit, but again, not very many.
Most of the people I have helped to recover from alcoholism, or alcohol dependency, were just like Randy, the man you are about to read about.
The day I first met Randy in my office, he was a mess. Filled with anxiety. His wife had recommended they come together the first session, to see if I might be a good match for him, to help him get sober. To get him off the anti-anxiety drugs he had been on for 10 years, and the alcohol that had been a part of his life for 38 years.
In all honesty, Randy told me he wasn't sure he was ready to quit drinking, and was not at all ready to give up his prescription drugs. As we've talked over the past several months, he told me recently he was about 30% ready to quit drinking, at the high end, but 70% of him as he sat in my office, wanted to keep drinking.
You see, you do not have to be ready to quit, you just have to be ready to meet someone who works in this field, and begin the process. That's all. One day at a time.
His anxiety was at an all time high due to his rocky marriage, his poor investments, the economy, as well as the fact that he might not drink again. I could see the nervousness in his eyes, how unsure he was just sitting in a recovery coaches office. I know those feelings all so well, as I once was in his shoes. I at one time felt the panic surrounding the fact that I might never drink again. Which is why I told them both, we'll just take this one day at a time.
Here's what Randy has to say about his decision to get into a recovery program with me:
"When I first meet David my entire life was total unmanageable and I was spinning out of control in every aspect of my life.
I had been using drugs and alcohol for 38 yrs.
Financially - I was at my bottom.
Personally - I was losing my wife and child after over a 1 ½ yr. of going through a divorce.
Health – I had lost over 30 lbs and taking many prescriptions drugs.
Spiritually – I was a lost soul.
David got me to agree to get sober off alcohol and drugs for one day.
I knew I had a problem with drugs and alcohol, however I could not go to rehab for 30 days and miss work as I felt like I would lose my job.
David put me on his 30 day program, for me it was like checking into a rehabilitation center. As his program held me accountable every day and night for 30 days.
TODAY I am sober and thinking like I did 20 years ago. Making clear and concise decisions.
My wife and I are working on reconciling our marriage.
I have a plan for my finances.
My health is improving everyday with eating right and exercise.
I am finding my soul and have surrendered my life to “My Higher Power”.
David’s program is not just a program that is pre-designed for one fits all. He customized a program that I personally needed for my life and it is working for me.
He is truly a life coach.
David has opened many doors in my life and helped show me the way to personal growth.
David is a VERY thought provoking person.
“Most important I am sober TODAY” with David’s program that was designed for me.
Randy
Randy's success is not rare, as a matter of fact it is becoming very normal for people who are at least ready to try. To try, and trust someone to help them build a program that fits their needs, lifestyle and personality.
There are many such programs available today, and we feel so excited about the future for anyone who is even the slightest ready to give life without alcohol and or drugs a shot. Over the years, I have gained so much insight myself as I see our clients free of addiction, free of the "gorilla on their back", that had prevented them from experiencing the amazing life they've always wanted.
I am so blessed personally to have found this path of sobriety, and it is now my mission to assist as many people as possible to let go of the "anchors" that are holding them back, and to become another success story themselves, as one other person who has recovered from alcohol abuse or dependency.
Slow down, reach out,and ask for the help you need today. Let go of the shame, let go of the guilt, and do what Randy and millions of others have done as their first step to sobriety from alcohol or drugs, ask for help today. Choose to get help, today.
Love, peace, David Essel http://www.davidessel.com
I get so tired of hearing this crap about "if you're not fully ready to quit drinking, it will never work. " Hogwash. Baloney. What a bunch of drivel. How do I know that these statements are so off base? Because in the past 24 years of helping people to create the life they've always dreamed of, of helping people to get sober, most of my clients did not fall into any category of being "fully ready to quit, or at their absolute rock bottom."
Yes, a few were at rock bottom, but not the majority. A few were finally, fully ready to quit, but again, not very many.
Most of the people I have helped to recover from alcoholism, or alcohol dependency, were just like Randy, the man you are about to read about.
The day I first met Randy in my office, he was a mess. Filled with anxiety. His wife had recommended they come together the first session, to see if I might be a good match for him, to help him get sober. To get him off the anti-anxiety drugs he had been on for 10 years, and the alcohol that had been a part of his life for 38 years.
In all honesty, Randy told me he wasn't sure he was ready to quit drinking, and was not at all ready to give up his prescription drugs. As we've talked over the past several months, he told me recently he was about 30% ready to quit drinking, at the high end, but 70% of him as he sat in my office, wanted to keep drinking.
You see, you do not have to be ready to quit, you just have to be ready to meet someone who works in this field, and begin the process. That's all. One day at a time.
His anxiety was at an all time high due to his rocky marriage, his poor investments, the economy, as well as the fact that he might not drink again. I could see the nervousness in his eyes, how unsure he was just sitting in a recovery coaches office. I know those feelings all so well, as I once was in his shoes. I at one time felt the panic surrounding the fact that I might never drink again. Which is why I told them both, we'll just take this one day at a time.
Here's what Randy has to say about his decision to get into a recovery program with me:
"When I first meet David my entire life was total unmanageable and I was spinning out of control in every aspect of my life.
I had been using drugs and alcohol for 38 yrs.
Financially - I was at my bottom.
Personally - I was losing my wife and child after over a 1 ½ yr. of going through a divorce.
Health – I had lost over 30 lbs and taking many prescriptions drugs.
Spiritually – I was a lost soul.
David got me to agree to get sober off alcohol and drugs for one day.
I knew I had a problem with drugs and alcohol, however I could not go to rehab for 30 days and miss work as I felt like I would lose my job.
David put me on his 30 day program, for me it was like checking into a rehabilitation center. As his program held me accountable every day and night for 30 days.
TODAY I am sober and thinking like I did 20 years ago. Making clear and concise decisions.
My wife and I are working on reconciling our marriage.
I have a plan for my finances.
My health is improving everyday with eating right and exercise.
I am finding my soul and have surrendered my life to “My Higher Power”.
David’s program is not just a program that is pre-designed for one fits all. He customized a program that I personally needed for my life and it is working for me.
He is truly a life coach.
David has opened many doors in my life and helped show me the way to personal growth.
David is a VERY thought provoking person.
“Most important I am sober TODAY” with David’s program that was designed for me.
Randy
Randy's success is not rare, as a matter of fact it is becoming very normal for people who are at least ready to try. To try, and trust someone to help them build a program that fits their needs, lifestyle and personality.
There are many such programs available today, and we feel so excited about the future for anyone who is even the slightest ready to give life without alcohol and or drugs a shot. Over the years, I have gained so much insight myself as I see our clients free of addiction, free of the "gorilla on their back", that had prevented them from experiencing the amazing life they've always wanted.
I am so blessed personally to have found this path of sobriety, and it is now my mission to assist as many people as possible to let go of the "anchors" that are holding them back, and to become another success story themselves, as one other person who has recovered from alcohol abuse or dependency.
Slow down, reach out,and ask for the help you need today. Let go of the shame, let go of the guilt, and do what Randy and millions of others have done as their first step to sobriety from alcohol or drugs, ask for help today. Choose to get help, today.
Love, peace, David Essel http://www.davidessel.com
Friday, July 17, 2009
Patience, Kindness:The Two Keys To Love
Someone once asked me that if there were two keys to love, to a loving relationship, what did I think they would be? Without hesitation, I answered patience and kindness, and I'd love to tell you why.
Last week at my nieces wedding, she asked me to do the sermon at the mass just before they took their vows of matrimony. I was just so excited standing there, looking at how incredibly beautiful she was, and remembering the days on the beaches in Florida where we would play a number of years ago.
I began by quoting St. Paul, where in one of his most celebrated writings he began, "Love is patient, love is kind. " I truly believe that this is all a couple needs to remember, and put into practice daily, in order to have an amazing life together. Of course this is easier said than done, but if the desire is there, just about anyone can do it.
As I watched them intently watching me during the sermon, I felt a wave of confidence go through me. Their desire to listen was evident, as it's a sign that they have an excellent chance at a great long and loving relationship. At 25, I know I would not have been paying a whole lot of attention to what any minister would have said to be quite honest, but they were different.
Patience, kindness, are the bedrocks of any relationship. I offered that if they should ever have an argument, a little laughter went through the church at this comment, that if they could just pull back and ask themselves before it went on too long, "Am I being patient and kind right now?", that the end result of this simple act would astound them both.
It reminded me of the many times I interviewed best selling author Wayne Dyer about this very subject, and his response was always the same. "David, in all great relationships, each person remembers in times of stress, that they always have the choice to be right, or to be kind."
To be patient, to be kind, is a choice we either make, or don't make with our partner on a daily, and sometimes hourly basis.
Patience, kindness, love. The three words go hand in hand, don't they?
When I work with couples who have been together for a long period of time,I share that there first has to be a question asked by each individual that is a tough one. "Am I willing to drop my ego, to react and act differently to my partner now, than I have in the past 5, 10 or 20 years?"
It has to be a conscious decision that we begin to make everyday, to act with kindness, to drop the past, to start anew. If the small ego gets involved, there will never be a chance to resurrect any relationship that has hit rough waters. The desire to be right, vs kind, is one that has to be dismantled everyday in order for true love to flourish.
When we reach back into the past, to remind our lover that "they did this...they did that, they created this pain"....over and over, there is no chance at all for love to be reborn. It's that simple, yet very challenging to change.
However, where there is the desire to change, and to bring patience and kindness into the picture, almost all relationships can be saved and more! Keep reminding yourself, that the two most powerful keys to love are patience and kindness. Then act on this truth daily.
Slow down, get the help you need to heal your relationship, and watch it prosper.
Love, peace, David Essel http://www.davidessel.com
Last week at my nieces wedding, she asked me to do the sermon at the mass just before they took their vows of matrimony. I was just so excited standing there, looking at how incredibly beautiful she was, and remembering the days on the beaches in Florida where we would play a number of years ago.
I began by quoting St. Paul, where in one of his most celebrated writings he began, "Love is patient, love is kind. " I truly believe that this is all a couple needs to remember, and put into practice daily, in order to have an amazing life together. Of course this is easier said than done, but if the desire is there, just about anyone can do it.
As I watched them intently watching me during the sermon, I felt a wave of confidence go through me. Their desire to listen was evident, as it's a sign that they have an excellent chance at a great long and loving relationship. At 25, I know I would not have been paying a whole lot of attention to what any minister would have said to be quite honest, but they were different.
Patience, kindness, are the bedrocks of any relationship. I offered that if they should ever have an argument, a little laughter went through the church at this comment, that if they could just pull back and ask themselves before it went on too long, "Am I being patient and kind right now?", that the end result of this simple act would astound them both.
It reminded me of the many times I interviewed best selling author Wayne Dyer about this very subject, and his response was always the same. "David, in all great relationships, each person remembers in times of stress, that they always have the choice to be right, or to be kind."
To be patient, to be kind, is a choice we either make, or don't make with our partner on a daily, and sometimes hourly basis.
Patience, kindness, love. The three words go hand in hand, don't they?
When I work with couples who have been together for a long period of time,I share that there first has to be a question asked by each individual that is a tough one. "Am I willing to drop my ego, to react and act differently to my partner now, than I have in the past 5, 10 or 20 years?"
It has to be a conscious decision that we begin to make everyday, to act with kindness, to drop the past, to start anew. If the small ego gets involved, there will never be a chance to resurrect any relationship that has hit rough waters. The desire to be right, vs kind, is one that has to be dismantled everyday in order for true love to flourish.
When we reach back into the past, to remind our lover that "they did this...they did that, they created this pain"....over and over, there is no chance at all for love to be reborn. It's that simple, yet very challenging to change.
However, where there is the desire to change, and to bring patience and kindness into the picture, almost all relationships can be saved and more! Keep reminding yourself, that the two most powerful keys to love are patience and kindness. Then act on this truth daily.
Slow down, get the help you need to heal your relationship, and watch it prosper.
Love, peace, David Essel http://www.davidessel.com
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Are you really ready for love? Part 2
The response to my article about being really ready for love was absolutely astounding. So many people are resonating with this topic, that I wanted to share a few of their comments.(Please read that first article before continuing on here.DE)
"I love it! Yes, a person Really has to be Ready, "within", for love.."
"David. This is great & thanks for sharing. So many people can truly learn from these words to help them in the relationship area of life."
"I completely relate to this story, I am 100% aware of letting my past debris behind, by putting myself in the healing process right now."
My client who I wrote about in the first article, could not agree more with these comments.
"David , reading these remarks has put a huge smile on my face. Before, I was projecting out into the world, that all of my problems in love were due to the men I had selected.
Yes, a very ego driven thought. But a true one. I did not want to accept responsibility, I just wanted to be in love. When it was not working it had to be "them". Through our work together, I am seeing my role, I am slowing down, I am looking at the patterns that I have fallen into. Through the writing exercises we do, I am actually healing.
Every day, my resentments against men is lessening. My desire to trust, just for the sake of trusting, something I never even wanted to do is becoming a real possibility. And yes, even though I don't fully want to, i've taken myself out of the dating world. And honestly, the pressure to be with someone is getting less and less each day. I'm so glad my story is helping other people, but most importantly, me and my children. In deep gratitude, Kathie"
For every single person in the world today, the message is the same. Become real with yourself, honest, and examine your feelings about men and women, present and past. Let's all get on the healing path together.
Slow down.
Love, David Essel http://www.davidessel.com
"I love it! Yes, a person Really has to be Ready, "within", for love.."
"David. This is great & thanks for sharing. So many people can truly learn from these words to help them in the relationship area of life."
"I completely relate to this story, I am 100% aware of letting my past debris behind, by putting myself in the healing process right now."
My client who I wrote about in the first article, could not agree more with these comments.
"David , reading these remarks has put a huge smile on my face. Before, I was projecting out into the world, that all of my problems in love were due to the men I had selected.
Yes, a very ego driven thought. But a true one. I did not want to accept responsibility, I just wanted to be in love. When it was not working it had to be "them". Through our work together, I am seeing my role, I am slowing down, I am looking at the patterns that I have fallen into. Through the writing exercises we do, I am actually healing.
Every day, my resentments against men is lessening. My desire to trust, just for the sake of trusting, something I never even wanted to do is becoming a real possibility. And yes, even though I don't fully want to, i've taken myself out of the dating world. And honestly, the pressure to be with someone is getting less and less each day. I'm so glad my story is helping other people, but most importantly, me and my children. In deep gratitude, Kathie"
For every single person in the world today, the message is the same. Become real with yourself, honest, and examine your feelings about men and women, present and past. Let's all get on the healing path together.
Slow down.
Love, David Essel http://www.davidessel.com
Elusive love due to childhood events: Abandonment
It's amazing how many of us struggle in our search for love, due to our inability to release events that happened during our childhood.Many events that surround abandonment. For many, it may not even be because we have not tried to let the past go, but simply due to the fact that we have no idea that a traumatic event even occurred.
A number of years ago I worked with an amazing therapist on this very issue. As we examined my love relationships,and discussed patterns and events that repeated themselves with several women I had dated, she went into a meditative state and came out of it with an intuitive sense that something traumatic happened to me around the age of three. She had sensed that I may have been left alone somewhere for a long time, like at a school, and sat by myself wondering if someone was ever going to pick me up. Or, it could have been something physical that made me feel unloved, or unlovable.
Now for the life of me I could not remember, or imagine anything traumatic occurring. Some people have a faint memory of being molested, others recall their parents divorce, but I could not link anything in my childhood to a feeling of abuse or neglect, that might make me feel fearful of abandonment or non trusting of women, or men in life. Yet, the patterns we were looking at that had occurred in my relationships were leading us to believe something serious had occurred.
The therapist recommended that I contact my parents, and ask them if anything traumatic happened, or something that might feel like a "traumatic" event to a young boy, around the ages of when I was 3-6. The results were astounding.
My father recalled the day my younger brother was being born, and the doctor came out and told my dad that there were major complications in the delivery, and that he had to choose to save my brother, or my moms life. My dad went into a minor shock as you can imagine, and finally told the doctor to do whatever he had to to save them both.
Hours later, they were able to save them both, but my brother was very ill for the first 6 months or more of his life. During this time, my mothers full focus was on him, first at the hospital, then at home. As the therapist and I continued to work together, my fears of deep intimacy with women were being manhandled and exaggerated by the fact that I was afraid I would be left, either emotionally or physically again, as I was at the age of three.
You see, as that 3 year old little boy, all I knew was that my mom was not around, physically at first, and then emotionally. I did not have the capacity to understand that she was doing the very best she could. All that I knew was that when life gets stressful, women you love leave.
What an amazing breakthrough!! To see that my desire for intimacy had always been so high, but my fears of the past repeating itself was also extremely high!
The first step, as always , is to learn to fully love ourselves. To forgive the little boy in us, the little girl in us, for their fears. For the trauma they experienced. We need to be able to discuss this with a minister, coach, or therapist to get to the bottom of what happened, then most importantly, to surround that little person, who is still with us today, with unconditional love.
As I write about this experience, I can feel myself at 3, wondering where mommy is? I don't see her that much these days, did I do something wrong? Does she still love me? Why is she always with the baby? Why doesn't she spend as much time with me as before?
The child within wants so desperately to be held, and when we're not, even for very good reasons, we shrivel, go within, and lose our ability to love, to trust.
Before, when I had a struggle in a relationship with a woman, I'd subconsciously wonder when she would leave me too. I may even have chosen women that would leave me at the sign of stress, proving my childhood fears to be true. Women, if you love them, will leave you.
Thanks to this awareness, I can bravely walk into love, feel my childhood fears, discuss them, and let them go. I can be open without fear of rejection, and walk the path of love over and over. Every time, learning more about the importance of staying present, even in the fear.
Slow down. If you see patterns in love, get the help you need, now.
Love, peace, David Essel http://www.davidessel.com
A number of years ago I worked with an amazing therapist on this very issue. As we examined my love relationships,and discussed patterns and events that repeated themselves with several women I had dated, she went into a meditative state and came out of it with an intuitive sense that something traumatic happened to me around the age of three. She had sensed that I may have been left alone somewhere for a long time, like at a school, and sat by myself wondering if someone was ever going to pick me up. Or, it could have been something physical that made me feel unloved, or unlovable.
Now for the life of me I could not remember, or imagine anything traumatic occurring. Some people have a faint memory of being molested, others recall their parents divorce, but I could not link anything in my childhood to a feeling of abuse or neglect, that might make me feel fearful of abandonment or non trusting of women, or men in life. Yet, the patterns we were looking at that had occurred in my relationships were leading us to believe something serious had occurred.
The therapist recommended that I contact my parents, and ask them if anything traumatic happened, or something that might feel like a "traumatic" event to a young boy, around the ages of when I was 3-6. The results were astounding.
My father recalled the day my younger brother was being born, and the doctor came out and told my dad that there were major complications in the delivery, and that he had to choose to save my brother, or my moms life. My dad went into a minor shock as you can imagine, and finally told the doctor to do whatever he had to to save them both.
Hours later, they were able to save them both, but my brother was very ill for the first 6 months or more of his life. During this time, my mothers full focus was on him, first at the hospital, then at home. As the therapist and I continued to work together, my fears of deep intimacy with women were being manhandled and exaggerated by the fact that I was afraid I would be left, either emotionally or physically again, as I was at the age of three.
You see, as that 3 year old little boy, all I knew was that my mom was not around, physically at first, and then emotionally. I did not have the capacity to understand that she was doing the very best she could. All that I knew was that when life gets stressful, women you love leave.
What an amazing breakthrough!! To see that my desire for intimacy had always been so high, but my fears of the past repeating itself was also extremely high!
The first step, as always , is to learn to fully love ourselves. To forgive the little boy in us, the little girl in us, for their fears. For the trauma they experienced. We need to be able to discuss this with a minister, coach, or therapist to get to the bottom of what happened, then most importantly, to surround that little person, who is still with us today, with unconditional love.
As I write about this experience, I can feel myself at 3, wondering where mommy is? I don't see her that much these days, did I do something wrong? Does she still love me? Why is she always with the baby? Why doesn't she spend as much time with me as before?
The child within wants so desperately to be held, and when we're not, even for very good reasons, we shrivel, go within, and lose our ability to love, to trust.
Before, when I had a struggle in a relationship with a woman, I'd subconsciously wonder when she would leave me too. I may even have chosen women that would leave me at the sign of stress, proving my childhood fears to be true. Women, if you love them, will leave you.
Thanks to this awareness, I can bravely walk into love, feel my childhood fears, discuss them, and let them go. I can be open without fear of rejection, and walk the path of love over and over. Every time, learning more about the importance of staying present, even in the fear.
Slow down. If you see patterns in love, get the help you need, now.
Love, peace, David Essel http://www.davidessel.com
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Are you really ready for love?
( My client Kathie from the West Coast enthusiastically gave me permission to print her story, as she begins her path to self love and healing. DE)
There was a long pause on the other end of the phone after I had asked my client a very important question to start off our first session. "Are you really ready for love?"
"Of course I am!" , she replied. "That's why I hired you, to help me create a great mindset to attract the man of my dreams."
For the next 30 minutes she rambled on and on about what a great catch she was. She owned several homes and condominiums, had worked for the same firm for 30 years,and was a self made woman that all men should respect. Her last relationship ended in betrayal, but that was 12 months ago and she was just glad to have that loser out of her life. She had almost started dating someone right after that relationship ended, but he began some strange behavior, stalking her in a way online.
While her ex-husband was still in the picture , it was only because they had 4 children together. He was nothing but a pain in her side, constantly giving her grief.
I asked her about her family, which she tried to skirt around, until she finally admitted that she had not talked to her mother in many years, and that her greatest accomplishment was that she did not end up like her in any way at all. As a matter of fact, she had hoped to never speak to her again, and refused visits with her children, as she felt her mother would be a bad influence on them.
She then proceeded to tell me that she did not trust people very easily, as most were not to be trusted. She just wanted to meet the man that would make her life complete. The man that would show her children what it meant to be a good father figure. A man that she could finally trust, as the ones up to now she could not.
What followed after her monologue was not what she wanted to hear, although it was the truth.
"I honestly can say, that I believe you are ready to begin your healing work but you are not ready for a real love relationship. Love, real love, demands that your heart is open, that you trust until you have a reason not to, that you are emotionally free of your past relationships, and that you have come to closure with your family of origin issues."
I could hear her tapping her finger on the table, totally frustrated with the news she was getting.
"By the tone of your voice, you cannot stand your ex-husband, and you still have resentments against your ex-boyfriend who betrayed you somehow. And, there is unfinished business with your mother, as when you talk about her, your voice tone totally changes. "
"You don't understand", she replied, "my ex-husband harasses me weekly and the ex-boyfriend stole money from me, and lied repeatedly. I just want to meet a great guy, finally, once and for all."
"I know you may not appreciate this, but we attract in the dating world the same type of people, with the same energy, that we currently are/have. Until you change, and fully forgive your ex-husband and ex- boyfriend, you will continue to attract the same type of people. Truthfully, any healthy man you might meet right now would walk away from you, because they would see, or feel, your drama and unfinished business."
I continued.
"The best thing right now for you, would be to NOT date at all. Take this time to work on yourself, to heal, to forgive even your mother. If you do this, you will find love. If you do not, you'll continue to create chaos and drama in your relationships."
Of course if she wanted to date, I knew she would, regardless of what I might be sharing with her. I have coached women in a similar situation who have dated while they healed, but they did so as close friends, never going into a full blown relationship. Possible, but not easy for many.
I left her with a "prescription" that I write about in the book "Slow Down". Take six months to 1 year, and work with a therapist, coach or minister each week to finally learn how to love yourself and others through forgiveness and acceptance. We will be ready for love if we clean up our past. If we don't, we'll continue to live it in every new relationship.
Slow down.
Love, peace, David Essel http://www.davidessel.com
There was a long pause on the other end of the phone after I had asked my client a very important question to start off our first session. "Are you really ready for love?"
"Of course I am!" , she replied. "That's why I hired you, to help me create a great mindset to attract the man of my dreams."
For the next 30 minutes she rambled on and on about what a great catch she was. She owned several homes and condominiums, had worked for the same firm for 30 years,and was a self made woman that all men should respect. Her last relationship ended in betrayal, but that was 12 months ago and she was just glad to have that loser out of her life. She had almost started dating someone right after that relationship ended, but he began some strange behavior, stalking her in a way online.
While her ex-husband was still in the picture , it was only because they had 4 children together. He was nothing but a pain in her side, constantly giving her grief.
I asked her about her family, which she tried to skirt around, until she finally admitted that she had not talked to her mother in many years, and that her greatest accomplishment was that she did not end up like her in any way at all. As a matter of fact, she had hoped to never speak to her again, and refused visits with her children, as she felt her mother would be a bad influence on them.
She then proceeded to tell me that she did not trust people very easily, as most were not to be trusted. She just wanted to meet the man that would make her life complete. The man that would show her children what it meant to be a good father figure. A man that she could finally trust, as the ones up to now she could not.
What followed after her monologue was not what she wanted to hear, although it was the truth.
"I honestly can say, that I believe you are ready to begin your healing work but you are not ready for a real love relationship. Love, real love, demands that your heart is open, that you trust until you have a reason not to, that you are emotionally free of your past relationships, and that you have come to closure with your family of origin issues."
I could hear her tapping her finger on the table, totally frustrated with the news she was getting.
"By the tone of your voice, you cannot stand your ex-husband, and you still have resentments against your ex-boyfriend who betrayed you somehow. And, there is unfinished business with your mother, as when you talk about her, your voice tone totally changes. "
"You don't understand", she replied, "my ex-husband harasses me weekly and the ex-boyfriend stole money from me, and lied repeatedly. I just want to meet a great guy, finally, once and for all."
"I know you may not appreciate this, but we attract in the dating world the same type of people, with the same energy, that we currently are/have. Until you change, and fully forgive your ex-husband and ex- boyfriend, you will continue to attract the same type of people. Truthfully, any healthy man you might meet right now would walk away from you, because they would see, or feel, your drama and unfinished business."
I continued.
"The best thing right now for you, would be to NOT date at all. Take this time to work on yourself, to heal, to forgive even your mother. If you do this, you will find love. If you do not, you'll continue to create chaos and drama in your relationships."
Of course if she wanted to date, I knew she would, regardless of what I might be sharing with her. I have coached women in a similar situation who have dated while they healed, but they did so as close friends, never going into a full blown relationship. Possible, but not easy for many.
I left her with a "prescription" that I write about in the book "Slow Down". Take six months to 1 year, and work with a therapist, coach or minister each week to finally learn how to love yourself and others through forgiveness and acceptance. We will be ready for love if we clean up our past. If we don't, we'll continue to live it in every new relationship.
Slow down.
Love, peace, David Essel http://www.davidessel.com
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Sexuality, Intimacy & You Series
Next Date: Oct 23rd, 2009 - Friday 6-8pm
The topic of sexuality and intimacy is one of the most important issues in our lives, and yet for many it's one that is rarely if ever discussed. While we may feel brave to openly discuss our political or religious views, to often we shy away from exploring our intimate and sexual needs and desires.
What does sexuality mean to you? What does it mean to be truly intimate with yourself and/or another? Is it ok to take care of your sexual needs by yourself even if you are currently in a relationship? Can you openly share your sexual desires with your partner, even if they have no interest in fulfilling them? How do you fulfill your partners desires for true intimacy? Do you even know what they are?
And if you're currently single, how do you get your basic human needs for intimacy and sexuality met? Or are you waiting for someone else to meet them? And if you are, is this the healthiest way to live?
Right now, slow down and take a piece of paper and answer the questions asked in this article. See if you truly do know, or have even explored, the importance of this area of your life. Too many clients that I have worked with over the years have neglected to even try to gain insight into their own as well as their partners beliefs about the topics of sexuality and intimacy, and have watched their love fade due to the neglect of needs and desires.
Yes, I am asking you to be open and vulnerable. And yes, it is in this state that the most amazing experiences of life truly exist. Let's all reach this place together.
Join David for a new dynamic 3-hour workshop which covers information that will offer exciting breakthroughs in how we approach sexuality and intimacy as it relates to self love and acceptance, as well as our ability to love others more deeply.
Many of us shy away from talking about our own sexual needs whether we are currently alone or in a relationship with another. David's philosophy revolves around the concept that if we can begin to approach our feelings about sexuality and intimacy more freely, we then can use this newfound awareness to deepen our love of self, something that many people today struggle with deeply.
"Our gift of intimacy is one to cherish, acknowledge and explore if we are to continue our path to living a more aware, awakened life. It's exciting to see a liberated freedom for people who have explored their passion for intimacy, sexuality and love, and how this freedom positively affects every area of their lives."
Cost: $25 per person/per workshop. To Sign up call 941-266-7676 scroll down to pay online.
Workshops hosted at: Church of Spiritual Light, 1939 Park Meadows Drive, Unit 1, Fort Myers, Fl 33907
Next Dates: Join Rev. David Essel for this 3 part series which covers information that will offer exciting breakthroughs in how we approach sexuality and intimacy as it relates to self love and acceptance, as well as our ability to love others more deeply. These are stand alone sessions and you may join at any time.
Topics:
Sept 25 - The Power of Emotional Foreplay 6-8pm ($25)
Oct 23 - The Joy of Physical Foreplay 6-8pm ($25)
Dec 11 - Creating Sacred Sexuality 6-8pm ($25)
The topic of sexuality and intimacy is one of the most important issues in our lives, and yet for many it's one that is rarely if ever discussed. While we may feel brave to openly discuss our political or religious views, to often we shy away from exploring our intimate and sexual needs and desires.
What does sexuality mean to you? What does it mean to be truly intimate with yourself and/or another? Is it ok to take care of your sexual needs by yourself even if you are currently in a relationship? Can you openly share your sexual desires with your partner, even if they have no interest in fulfilling them? How do you fulfill your partners desires for true intimacy? Do you even know what they are?
And if you're currently single, how do you get your basic human needs for intimacy and sexuality met? Or are you waiting for someone else to meet them? And if you are, is this the healthiest way to live?
Right now, slow down and take a piece of paper and answer the questions asked in this article. See if you truly do know, or have even explored, the importance of this area of your life. Too many clients that I have worked with over the years have neglected to even try to gain insight into their own as well as their partners beliefs about the topics of sexuality and intimacy, and have watched their love fade due to the neglect of needs and desires.
Yes, I am asking you to be open and vulnerable. And yes, it is in this state that the most amazing experiences of life truly exist. Let's all reach this place together.
Join David for a new dynamic 3-hour workshop which covers information that will offer exciting breakthroughs in how we approach sexuality and intimacy as it relates to self love and acceptance, as well as our ability to love others more deeply.
Many of us shy away from talking about our own sexual needs whether we are currently alone or in a relationship with another. David's philosophy revolves around the concept that if we can begin to approach our feelings about sexuality and intimacy more freely, we then can use this newfound awareness to deepen our love of self, something that many people today struggle with deeply.
"Our gift of intimacy is one to cherish, acknowledge and explore if we are to continue our path to living a more aware, awakened life. It's exciting to see a liberated freedom for people who have explored their passion for intimacy, sexuality and love, and how this freedom positively affects every area of their lives."
Cost: $25 per person/per workshop. To Sign up call 941-266-7676 scroll down to pay online.
Workshops hosted at: Church of Spiritual Light, 1939 Park Meadows Drive, Unit 1, Fort Myers, Fl 33907
Next Dates: Join Rev. David Essel for this 3 part series which covers information that will offer exciting breakthroughs in how we approach sexuality and intimacy as it relates to self love and acceptance, as well as our ability to love others more deeply. These are stand alone sessions and you may join at any time.
Topics:
Sept 25 - The Power of Emotional Foreplay 6-8pm ($25)
Oct 23 - The Joy of Physical Foreplay 6-8pm ($25)
Dec 11 - Creating Sacred Sexuality 6-8pm ($25)
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