Thursday, October 29, 2009

Men in Love: Standing in the Fire

As I sat down to begin the men's group that I lead every week, I received a call from a client expressing his gratitude for the work we have recently done that is saving his love relationship. In a nutshell, he has been learning how to stand "in the fire " of love.

For most men, this is an extremely foreign concept as we were never taught what it truly means to be a man in a deep love relationship. One who is willing to be the pillar of strength at times, especially those times when his partner needs his power the most. Let me explain.

Ben had started to do sessions with me to help him deal with his girlfriends "erratic emotional reactions" during arguments. While he loved her and wanted to be with her, he wasn't sure he could handle her intense emotional periods of tears, anger, and often threats of ending the relationship.

At first glance, many would say leave, you do not deserve this craziness. But if he had, he would have missed the role he played in getting her to this emotional level, and probably would have repeated the same patterns in his next love affair.

You see, Ben was doing what most men do when their partner gets emotionally riled up: they try to solve their partners upset. And this my friends, is EXACTLY the opposite of what needs to be done. Many women who are in an emotionally upset state, need no solving, no fixing. they simply need to express, vent, release. Pure and simple.

So every time Ben noticed that his girlfriend was getting more hysterical, I asked him to think about what his previous words, actions or emotions were doing. and every time it was the same thing: he was trying to logically solve her upset. It will never work.

What most women need, through the experiences I have had with working with women in my practice, is the ability to be expressive without feeling like they need to be fixed. They need to be able to see that their partner can handle a certain amount of their emotional release, stand in the fire with them, and then let go. They want to know that their man will not shrink from their emotional release, but rather stand there and accept it at least momentarily. After this trust is built and the release is over, they can then listen to logic, but not a moment before.

Ben's reaction to me was comical. "You've got to be kidding, just stand there and take it?". Yes, as the saying goes, take it like a man.

It worked, just like magic. Over the past 6 months, his love has deepened, and the frequency of their emotional blowups has diminished to almost nothing. His girlfriend is showering him with affection and love daily, as she sees that he can handle so much more than he ever did in the past. With her trust high, she feels protected, and doesn't need to go to extremes as she knows he'll listen without the need to fix.

Slow down and create the path for your partner to trust your power, your emotional fortitude, and watch your bond deepen in love.

Love, peace Rev. David

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