While it is very challenging to deal with the loss of a love relationship at any time of year, handling this tragedy during the holidays can be especially painful.
The client from my last blog, who felt so overwhelmed with the many losses in her life recently, sent this email in with permission to print it.
"Yes, you wrote perfectly in your column exactly the state I am in: ovewhelmed. after our last session, I began writing and found that the pain that is most deep right now is over the loss of my love relationship of 3 years. As the holidays approach, it deeply saddens me that i will not have my lover with me. His gifts need to be returned, and the trip we planned is now cancelled. You asked me to write out the role I played in the demise of this love, and at first i thought you were crazy!
I could rationalize my anger at him, for he ended up our last nite together in a deeply crushing arguement, kicking me out of his house at 2am, from which i had to then drive 5 hours to get back to my house. so it's been easy to be mad, and not go deeper.
But in my writing, I saw that I had not been honest with him over the years about my feelings. Each week, we'd go to his church which i did not enjoy, but continued going "for love", which I see now was a mistake as I must have held onto resentments, yet never dealt with them. It would had been better to express this, and go with him maybe once a month.
Each weekend we were together, we went to his parents for lunch, which again was overkill for me. As an only child, he obviously got whatever he wanted , and expected me to go with him, as that's just the way it was. Again, I know now I held a resentment against him, as I got tired of this very fast. I should have said i'll go once in a while with him, and filled that time doing other activities I missed doing.
It's amazing now that I find out that I'm really quite upset with myself, for not setting my own boundaries, instead just going along even if it did not feel right for me. I know in love we all must be flexible, but we also must be willing to have someone be upset with us if our beliefs are not the same.
I think ultimately, i did all of these things as I so wanted our relationship to last. I was afraid of being rejected, bottom line.
Now I must deal with this loss during the most festive time of the year. seeing my role in it now, how I did not discuss my true feelings, might make my healing a little easier, and now I will find maybe other people to help over the holidays.
Thank you so much for all of your help, your writing exercises have helped me seee the truth, and forgive myself and him a little more. "
Slow down, and be the love you already are.
Love, peace, David www.davidessel.com