Saturday, December 12, 2009

Texting during Sex? It's amazing......

Just when I think I have heard it all in over 20 years as a relationship coach, a client shares with me his absolute frustration over the fact that his girlfriend was texting her friends during sex. What? What?

Yes, it is true. As he was performing oral sex on his girlfriend, he heard what seemed to be her texting, but let it pass as he knew that would never happen with her. Another minute goes by and he hears it again, gets up on his knees and in total shock tells her to stop texting.

As he resumes pleasuring her, he hears it again, looks up, and it utter amazement watches her text again! In disgust, he leaves the bed and sits in total disbelief and frustration over what had just occurred.

After a while he walks in and asks her what she was thinking , and receives a feeble apology, which sends him over the roof.

Now he's in front of me, wondering what the heck has happened to a relationship he felt was deeply rooted in love. Yet, could someone do this who was in love with him as well?

There are no valid reasons for someone in a deep love relationship to text during sex, ever, yet there are some plausible causes such as :

1. she did not like having sex with him

2. she was not in the mood for sex

3. She did not enjoy oral sex

4. she was holding resentments against him, consciously or subconsciously, and these resentments came out in a totally inappropriate way.

Regardless of which of these reasons may have been the answer, the bottom line is it was her responsibility to talk to the man she was in love with, and never dissociate during sex through another activity. Mental or physical.

The pain on his face was so real as he sat in front of me, trying to decide what to do with this hurt.

Over the next month we worked together weekly, and then one day we discussed the role he played in this freakish experience. He admitted that this was not the first time that he had run from discussing hurtful events that had occurred with his girlfriend. After the texting incident, he accepted her less than enthusiastic apology, and instead of exploring with her how it had really made him feel, unimportant, used, hurt, embarrassed, he tried to blow it off and just resume their relationship.

Yet, with it left unresolved, he held a resentment against her. Just like the several other times she had hurt him deeply, he had never openly discussed the pain, and had never held her accountable to getting the counseling that she had admitted she needed.

So, now he could see his role in the on going drama and chaos. Within a short period of time, he decided to end the relationship, and move on , knowing that in his next one he had to be more open with unresolved feelings.

It's a bold and insensitive move to text during sex, quite obviously, and if you find yourself in a situation like this, please don't sweep it under the carpet. Get the help you need to uncover the reasons, and potentially save your relationship. The pain you cause your partner, and yourself, may be deeper than you know.

Slow down, and treat intimate times with the respect and love they deserve.

Love, peace, Rev. David

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