Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Communication in Relationships

One of my clients Clair sat before me more than frustrated over the seemingly relaxed way her boyfriend was handling his side of the communication responsibilities in their relationship.

"It was so very different in the beginning. Just a year ago I felt we were on the same page, but now it has really changed. Initially, if I sent a text, he would respond right back. Now I might send 5 per day, and never hear from him until that nite when he'll thank me most of the time for sending them.

I have asked him why the change, but his responses are so lame! He swears up and down he loves me, appreciates me, yet I'm losing patience. I wanted someone who would be as excited as I am about communicating. The same with emails. The same with phone calls, it all started out great, but I'm not so sure where this is headed. "

As we talked, I asked her to prioritize the love she desired in a relationship, and where her boyfriend was doing great stuff, and where there had been a shift. During the session, as she continued to answer the questions posed, and go deeper, she was realizing that her boyfriend was not wrong with his lack of interest in communicating at the intensity she was, but that unless she let go of her expectations of him to change, the relationship would end.

You see, most couples start out on fire in love. They communicate at levels they normally don't. They attend football games or craft shows when they have no interest, to show interest in their partners. Unfortunately, unless they are telling their lover that this is not normal for them to do, that texting or calling or sending emails is not their thing, or they'll go to one football game per year but that's it, they are setting themselves up to fail.

Honesty, truth, is the key in the beginning. Following your words with actions that match builds trust in a relationship. If you're in a relationship and are trying to catch up with your partner's pace of communication, or love for football, it's heading for a dead end.

After working with Clair for a while we came to this conclusion. If she wanted to stay, she would have to accept her partner's style of , or lack of communication as she desired it. Without resentment on her part. She could ask him first if he would be willing to go back to their initial form of daily contact, and if he said no, accept that as who he is.

If she concluded that she could not let that go, that she wanted that level of daily intimacy and love that came from regular text, calls, and emails, then she would have to venture out and find it with someone else.

No one is wrong here, it just may take a while when dating someone to see if you are a great match, or just an OK one. Never, ever, settle for OK. Look for a great partner, and you will find one.

Slow down, and find the deep communication style in relationships that you truly desire. Yes, it is possible.

Love, peace, David www.davidessel.com

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